Attraction of the Week
Swiss Family Tree House
or, Mrs. Robinson's "Attraction"
Music for Getting High:
Attraction of the WeekSwiss Family Tree Houseor, Mrs. Robinson's "Attraction"Music for Getting High: |
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Iago: Well, Zazu, time to close up the Tiki Room for the night.
Zazu: Yes indeed. Always good to get back to one's nest after a long, hard day, isn't it?
Iago: Speak for yourself. My deluxe penthouse nest at the Swiss Family Treehouse may look good from the outside, but I'm not too happy there.
Zazu: Oh? What's the problem?
Iago: Well, as I've mentioned before, the plumbing leaves a lot to be desired.
Zazu: Why Iago, the plumbing system is remarkable. Those buckets raise 200 gallons of water per hour.
Iago: Yeah. And every drop is cold. I can't get the hot water to work. Let me tell you, I take a lot of cold showers.
Zazu: Let me tell you, you need a lot of cold showers!
Iago: No, I'm not the one who needs the cold showers. It's that Mrs. Robinson. I swear, Zazu, she's always coming on to me. I was sitting on my sofa on a Sunday afternoon when she came to collect the rent wearing some kinky outfit from Friedrick's of Geneva, with her hair in pigtails, and said she wanted to be my Swiss Miss, and I could be her hot cocoa. Then she said she wanted to put me in her pantry with her cupcakes! She scares me.
Zazu: Don't be ridiculous. You're imagining things. And if your only complaint about the plumbing is a lack of hot water....
Iago: No, that's not all. The weirdest thing about the plumbing is that there's no handle thingamajiggy to flush the toilet.
Zazu: Er, Iago, the Swiss Family Treehouse doesn't have any toilets. Do you remember the Bathroom of Tomorrow? Your place will have to wait even longer.
Iago: Oh ... well, that explains the screams from down below then. I thought the tourists were crying out in pain from missing that last step. It's a killer.
Zazu: You mean the 69th step?
Iago: No, the 68th.
Zazu: Iago, there are 68 steps going up, but 69 coming down.
Iago: You're kidding! So much for Swiss precision. And these people make clocks?
Zazu: You must remember that the Robinsons weren't in Switzerland when they built the treehouse. They were on a deserted tropical island. They had to make do.
Iago: If they had to make doo, why didn't they put a freakin' toilet in that treehouse?!
Zazu: See here, Mr. Breadfruit-For-Brains, I mean that they had to use the natural resources that were at their disposal.
Iago: That's another thing wrong with the plumbing! The disposal doesn't work!
Zazu: There is no disposal!
Iago: You're tellin' me. Every time I toss my garbage down that bamboo pipe, Mr. Robinson comes up and yells at me. I can't wait 'til he and his hot-to-trot wife Heidi and the rest of the Robinsons go to California for the Summer. Or one of their other treehouses. They sure do own a lot of property. The slum lords!
Zazu: They are most certainly not slum lords, but yes, they do own a lot of property. Let's see ... their first treehouse, of course, was built way back in 1813. That's when the novel "The Swiss Family Robinson" was completed by Johann Rudolf Wyss from the manuscript begun by his father, Johann David Wyss. Then there was the Disney film version, which was released on 21 December 1960, and was filmed mostly on Tobago.
Iago: Oh suuuuure. Those Hollywood movie people say it was tobacco, but I think they were on another kind of weed, if you get my drift.
Zazu: Not tobacco, you nitwit. Tobago!
Iago: Oh. As in "Trinidad and?"
Zazu: Exactly. Disneyland opened Swiss Family Treehouse on 18 November 1962, with a Disneyodendron Semperflorens Grandis.
Iago: What the heck is that?
Zazu: Roughly translated, it means "large, always blooming Disney tree." It's 70 feet high, constructed of concrete and steel, with 300,000 vinyl leaves, 600 manzanita branches, and 50,000 plastic blossoms.
Iago: Plastics....
Zazu: Right. Then, Walt Disney World opened Swiss Family Treehouse on 1 October 1971, with a Disneyodendron Eximus.
Iago: That sounds like the skin condition I had last year. I think Mrs. Robinson gave it to me. I broke out in spots. The common name for it is Dotted Swiss, right?
Zazu: No, you dotty dodo, it means "out of the ordinary Disney tree." The Robinsons also own two more properties overseas. Disneyland Paris has "La Cabane des Robinson," opened 12 April 1992, and Tokyo Disneyland opened Swiss Family Treehouse 21 July 1993. All of these are modeled on a real Moreton Bay Fig tree, located about two miles from Disneyland. You see, the treehouse is supposed to be in a banyan tree, which is an East Indian fig-bearing tree whose branches send down roots that develop into new trunks, producing a thick and shady grove. In fact, the concrete roots of your tree extend 42 feet underground.
Iago: See, that's just the kind of stuff the rental agency told me about the place. They made it sound great. Well-built and a dream to live in. But not only do I have plumbing problems and a lusty landlady; there's also the noise problem.
Zazu: I thought you were the noise problem.
Iago: I'm talking about that music. Day after day, the same tune, over and over.
Zazu: You must mean "Swisskapolka" by Buddy Baker.
Iago: That's the one! Oy, it's so monotonous. I told Mr. Robinson that I didn't like it, but for some reason they keep playing it over and over. Even when the family goes on vacation, he hires somebody to come over and play it.
Zazu: I knew there was a reason I liked him.
Iago: Well, I don't like him. If he's not yelling at me, and his wife's not propositioning me, they're warning me about those pirates. "Pirates make bad neighbors," they say. "Can't trust those pirates." "Disney should kick those brigands out of the Magic Kingdom." Just what is their problem with pirates, anyway? I've always gotten along very well with them myself.
Zazu: I can't imagine.
Iago: Oh, and then there's their fixation with some tiger. They claim he's over by the Jungle Cruise. I've never seen him myself. They're always worrying about him, and trying to figure out how to trap him. One time, Rajah came to visit me, and I thought Mrs. Robinson was gonna have a heart attack when she saw him. But the next day she came up to my penthouse wearing harem pants and a little bra, and said she wanted to play "Princess and Street Rat."
Zazu: What?!?
Iago: Really. Then, just last week, I tripped over that stupid 69th step, and fell into a big hole. She just smiled down at me and threw me some Swiss chocolates and said she was going to put me in a hiding place where no one ever goes. Said we had to hide it from the kids. She called me her little cuckoo. Then Mr. Robinson came by....
Zazu: Hmmmm. I suppose he's her little cuckold.
Iago: I dunno, but I think he wanted to clock me. Anyway, she tried to cover things up by saying it was a tiger trap.
Zazu: Sounds more like The Parrot Trap, if you ask me.
Iago: Yeah. Hey, wasn't that a Disney movie?
Zazu: I'm not sure. Let's Get Together later and see if we can research that, shall we?
Iago: Nah. You do it. I rented "The Graduate." I've never seen it, but I heard Mrs. Robinson is in it. Maybe it will explain the pirate thing.
Zazu: I don't think so, but I'm sure it will explain something. Cuckoo-ca-choo.
The music selected to accompany this page is "Mrs. Robinson" by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkle from the movie The Graduate.