Narrator: "When last we left our intrepid heroes, Iago was off to join the circus to investigate the latest in pachyderm millinery. Zazu was returning to the peace and quiet of the Iago-less Tiki Room...."
It was a dark and stormy night. The Tiki Room doorbell suddenly rang : "Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet."
Zazu flung open the door.
There was no one there.
But a rain-spattered note was lying on the ground. It was written in chicken scratch (and red crayon). It read:
LOLITA LARK MISSING
<collective gasp from the audience>
As Iago flew through the storm, desperately trying to find the circus, he was suddenly accosted by a carrier pigeon, who passed him a telegram from Zazu:
LOLITA LARK MISSING STOP
RETURN TO TIKI ROOM STOP
FLY BY MCDONALD'S AND GET SHAKES STOP
LONG NIGHT AHEAD STOP
"Shakes!" muttered Iago. "Why did it have to be shakes? I hate shakes!"
But he did as he was told, and the two birds began their search for the lovely Lolita. They knew the pretty lark very well. She had been romantically involved with Zazu once. One of her many charms was a little dimple on the right side of her beak when she smiled. Iago called it the Dimple of Doom. She was the kind of dame who could get under your feathers and make you molt at the sight of her.
But back to our story.
They looked in all the usual birdie hangouts: Discovery Island, Animal Kingdom, Parrot Cay, Rainforest Cafe (both of them), and the Mexico Pavilion at Epcot. They even double-checked the Tiki Room.
Lolita was nowhere to be found.
On a hunch, they stopped by the Restaurant Marrakesh. A certain belly-dancer was one of their best informants. While Iago and Zazu pecked at their couscous, she wiggled over to their table.
Zazu whispered one word: "Lolita."
The dancer smiled and began spelling something in belly-language. Every ripple of her tummy was another letter....F..A..L..C..O..N... Then she moved on to the next table.
"Of course!" Zazu hissed. "Let's go, Iago."
"Where are we going?"
"Disney-MGM Studios! Don't you remember a certain notorious film falcon? Lolita must be at the Studios somewhere, probably being held captive. We must rescue her. But we'll need help pulling off this stunt. And I know just the man who can help us."
So off they flew to speak to the guy with the hat and the whip. (And I don't mean Mickey ears and Dole Whip.)
The guy who hates snakes.
The guy who was named after a dog.
That's right. Indiana Jones. Or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. For nine years, he's been running away from that temple ball (which, by the way, is twelve feet high and weighs 440 pounds). The Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular has been thrilling audiences since August 25, 1989.
But it wasn't that easy to speak with Indy. He was too busy saving the world from the Nazis. Drastic measures were needed. "I'm afraid we'll have to volunteer for the show," sighed Zazu.
That was all Iago needed to hear. "Oooooh, ooooh, pick me!! Pick me!!" he shouted, and began flapping his wings and squawking. Zazu tried to contain him, but got caught up in the fluttering. The casting director glanced up and saw what looked and sounded like a pyrotechnic display, complete with red and blue feathers cascading to the floor. Just what the show needed. "You two!" she shouted. "Come on down!"
Thus began their quest to find out all they could about being heroes without actually getting their feathers ruffled. (But first, they had to sign the obligatory release form.) They looked rather silly in robes and turbans, but such was the price of undercover work. They learned how to throw and take fake punches, how to fall safely, and even how a truck can turn over and an airplane can go up in flames without doing any damage.
Iago was especially interested in learning how Indy avoids getting impaled on those spears that pop up from the ground. As he explained, "I wanna know how to avoid pointy objects. Like Zazu's head."
So they watched and they learned, all the while sweating in the Florida heat -- er, make that the Cairo heat. And when they ran off the stage, they were cheered by the crowd of 2,000 in the amphitheater.
Who were glad to be rid of them.
Indy had taught them well. It was time to put their knowledge to the test. They would start at The Great Movie Ride. As they left the arena, they ran smack into a large, noisy crowd of tourists, who seemed to be gawking at something and cheering. Zazu checked the angle of the sun. Aha! It was time for the Mulan Parade. This was good. The parade would provide a nice distraction for the masses while our heroes went about rescuing the damsel in distress.
"This way!" he said to Iago, and they started to fly over the crowd. But wait! What was that? Down there, amidst the strollers and the popcorn and the fanny packs and the crying children, was ... a beautiful lark, singing a sweet, melancholy song and dabbing at her eyes with a lace handkerchief. Could it be? Yes! It was Lolita!
Zazu and Iago landed beside her, and pulled her away from the crowd. She was sobbing, and struggled to get back to the parade. "Lolita!" cried Zazu. "We've been looking everywhere for you. Are you being held against your will? I'll kill that falcon if he's touched a feather on your delicate little frame."
"No! No!" she wept. "You mustn't harm him. I -- I -- I love him! I ran away to be with him, but now -- now he's gone."
Our heroes were in shock. Iago said, "You love the Maltese Falcon?"
Lolita stopped crying and looked puzzled. "Maltese? He told me he was a HUN! That cad!" And then she cried louder than ever.
Zazu and Iago were completely mystified. Zazu spoke softly. "Weren't you kidnapped?"
Lolita lifted her pretty little head and said defiantly, "No. I ran away with him."
"With WHO?" cried Iago.
"You mean, with WHOM?" cried Zazu.
"Oh Beans!" muttered Iago.
"Shan-Yu's falcon, said Lolita. He told me we could travel the world together. He said pillaging and burning were very romantic. But now -- now he's gone! I've been searching the parade for him, but he's nowhere to be found. He promised he would meet me here. Waaaaaaaaaaa!"!
Zazu sighed. So all this fuss was for nothing. Nothing more than a hill o' beans. Just a fickle lark who was about as steady as that flickering neon light that Iago had installed outside the Tiki Room. Dames were more trouble than they were worth.
He said wearily to Iago, "This was our last crusade. Time to go home."
Neither one of them noticed the ominous shadow sweeping over the parade, or the giant, 440 pound falcon egg hurtling toward them....
Narrator: "Is this the end for our intrepid heroes? Will the lovely lilting voice of Lolita the lark once again lacerate her larynx? Will Mushu get the blame for breaking the egg? Is it hot enough to fry an egg that big on the sidewalk? Will I never stop asking foolish questions?
"Tune in next week, when we discover whether Zazu and Iago perform a Stunt Spectacular, or if they look like Food (for) Rocks!"
The music selected to accompany this page is "Gary, Indiana" by Meredith Wilson from The Music Man.
Secret documents, including revealing 8×10 glossy photographs each with a paragraph on the back explaining how it was to be used as evidence against the birds, have been posted to the World Wide Web, but we haven't been able to find them. Please let us know where they are.