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Zazu: Good heavens, Iago! Are you celebrating St. Patrick's Day early? Why are your feathers that disgusting shade of green?
Iago: Actually, it's a color called "Lime Sherbet." And I look like this because of that note I got from Barkley the Caribbean Parrot early this morning. When you said I had a message from Barkley, I thought you said "Berkeley." I figured they were finally getting back to me about that admission application I sent them 22 years ago. I never heard from them. Darn post office!
Zazu: Iago, I think you can stop holding your breath about that. The University of California at Berkeley doesn't admit anyone with a two-digit S.A.T. score. Now please explain why you look like a mint julep.
Iago: Well, Barkley was called out of town unexpectedly in the wee hours of the morning, and I have to fill in for him over at Pirates of the Caribbean. He said I had to look exactly like him, or it would be considered bad show. So I flew over to that 24-hour Wal-Mart and picked up this dye. But I'm a little worried, because I've never actually worked with pirates before. In fact, most of my life was spent in the desert. I was wondering if you could help me brush up on my pirate facts.
Zazu: Why, certainly I can! This is actually an excellent time to learn more about pirates, since Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean opened on 18 March 1967. Or was it 14 February of that year? Or possibly 19 April? It seems every source has a different date. Oh well, 18 March sounds as good as any. On a sad note, Walt Disney was very much involved in the project, but died before he could take so much as a single ride. Now let's see, where did I put that Official Pirate Manual? Ah, here it is. I tell you what. I'll give you ten pirate expressions, and you tell me what each one means. That should give us some idea of how piratically proficient you are. We can call it the "Piratic Aptitude Profile."
Iago: You're gonna give me a PAP test?!?
Zazu: Don't go there, bird! Are you ready for the test?
Iago: Okay. Shoot!
Zazu: Er, the first lesson you should learn before working with pirates is to never say "Shoot!" to them.
Iago: Oops. Gotcha. Go ahead then.
Zazu: "Pieces of eight."
Iago: Octopus nuggets.
Zazu: Octo -- ?! <exasperated sigh> Allright then, how about this one? "Port."
Iago: What pirates drink to wash away the taste of the pieces of eight.
Zazu: "Galleon."
Iago: The amount of port each pirate drinks during dinner.
Zazu: "Bulkhead."
Iago: The biggest bathroom on the ship, where all the pirates run after dinner.
Zazu: "Plunder."
Iago: What pirates use to unclog the bulkhead.
Zazu: "Booty."
Iago: The source of the clog.
Zazu: "Bounty."
Iago: The quicker picker upper. (Comes in handy in the bulkhead.)
Zazu: "Buccaneer."
Iago: The going price for ear piercing.
Zazu: "Cutlass."
Iago: That's what happens to the wench doing the ear-piercing if the pirate can't stand the pain.
Zazu: Here's the last one: "Crow's nest."
Iago: That's where the lucky parrot gets to sleep if the crow is a raven beauty. So, how'd I do, huh?
Zazu: Where did you say you kept your life insurance policy?
Iago: What!? You mean I didn't get a hundred?
Zazu: I'm afraid it's even worse than your S.A.T. score. Since I'm in a generous mood, I'll allow you ten points for your "port" response. But you'll need a tad more information before we can plop that pirate hat on your head and station you outside the attraction. Why don't we go over there and ride it while the cast members pre-trip it for the guests? The park doesn't open for another half hour.
Iago: Okay. But can I put the hat on and scare Mrs. Robinson on the way over?
Zazu: No! Mrs. Robinson has enough on her mind, what with that sublet in the California treehouse. Now let's set out upon our voyage, bilge rat.
Iago: Wow, you sound just like that guy I met at El Pirata Y el Perico. He had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. I asked him how he lost his leg, and he said there was a terrible storm, and he got washed overboard, and a shark bit it off! So then I asked him how he lost his hand, and he said he was in an awful battle, and some scurvy scum sliced it off! Well, after that, I was curious about the eye patch, so he lifted it up, and lo and behold, he was missing an eye. Naturally I asked how it happened, and he said, "I was over at that cursed Enchanted Tiki Room, and some bird pooped in it!" So I said, "How could you lose an eye just because a bird pooped in it?" And he replied, "Well, it was me first day with the hook...."
Zazu: I wish I had a hook right about now ... or one of the swords on the "Jolly Roger" flying above the fort. One is a straight sword favored by the Spanish Army, the other a curved cutlass favored by many pirates. The flag has eight cannonball holes in it -- not so much "pieces of eight" as "pierced by eight".
Iago: You mean that flag with the skull on it? Yeah, ol' Roger looks about as jolly as Jack Skellington playing Sandy Claws in "The Nightmare Before Chistmas."
Zazu: No, no, the skull isn't named Jack. The name is probably derived from the French "joli rouge," which means "pretty red." It's a reference to earlier, blood-red pirate flags.
Iago: Thanks, Zazu. Now I'll know what all those cute French hens are saying to me when I visit Disneyland Paris.
Zazu: Yes, come to think of it, blood is a rather attractive shade of red.
Iago: Ooh, this damp tunnel gives me the creeps, Zazu.
Zazu: That's precisely what it's supposed to do, you simpleton. However, this is a completely different queue atmosphere than one finds at the Disneyland version of the attraction, which is located in New Orleans Square, rather than Adventureland. In the California version, much of the queue winds around outside the N'awlins-style building. Luckily, this damp tunnel is much more comfortable in the Florida heat. On the other hand, Disneyland's voyage has the advantage of floating past the charming Blue Bayou Restaurant, with its twinkling fireflies and famous Monte Cristo.
Iago: That old guy by the shack is a Count?
Zazu: No, baconbrains, I'm talking about a sandwich!
Iago: Ohhhhhhhhh ... so he's an Earl.
Zazu: Keep up the sandwich puns, and you'll be "hang'd up a sun-drying."
Iago: Is that some kind of California restaurant joke about those trendy shrivelled-up tomatoes?
Zazu: No. It means you'll be hanged, tarred, and hung in chains to swing in the wind for years, like Captain Kidd. Come to think of it, you would look like a sun-dried tomato. Unless they couldn't remove that dye, in which case you would look more like a fried green tomato. Now get in the "bateau."
Iago: The what??
Zazu: The "bateau." The boat. Even though these have a fancy French name, they're the same as the ones used in It's A Small World and El Rio del Tiempo.
Iago: Speaking of all this French stuff, does Disneyland Paris have pirates?
Zazu: It certainly does. Pirates of the Caribbean was an original attraction in Disneyland Paris, opening on 12 April 1992. Interestingly, the pirates in that park are all Mark III animatronics, but since they use the same programming as the others, it doesn't help the show any -- or the bottom line. The attraction is also original to Tokyo Disneyland, having opened on 15 April 1983. Here in Florida, Pirates didn't set sail until 15 December 1973, over two years after the Magic Kingdom opened. And here are a few more tidbits about the original, in California: The ride time is 14.5 minutes, which is about 4 and a half minutes longer than ours; the ride capacity is 3,400 guests per hour; 750,000 gallons of water are used; and the two main lift pumps can circulate 20,000 gallons per minute.
Iago: Enough with the numbers already!
Zazu: But Iago, we're "going on the account."
Iago: Accounting? I didn't know there was math involved in this pirate gig.
Zazu: That's just a respectable way of saying we're going to do pirate stuff. But the quartermaster is indeed responsible for dividing up the loot, so at least one pirate job involves basic math.
Iago: I bet he has to score real well on the PAP test.
Song:
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
Iago: Now that sounds like my kind of career!
Ghostly Echo: Dead men tell no tales, tales, tales, tales. Dead men tell no tales, tales, tales, tales. Dead men tell no tales, tales, tales, tales.
Iago: <gulp!> Does telling tales have anything to do with the verbal portion of the test?
Zazu: If it does, I'm afraid these poor souls on the beach are going to fail. They've been forever silenced.
Iago: So this is what happens when Supermodels forget to bring sunblock on the "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit shoot.
Zazu: No, this is what happens when you're marooned on a desert island with nothing but a bottle of water and a pistol, because you broke the pirate rules!
Iago: Pirates have rules?!?
Zazu: Indeed. As strange as it sounds, there is a code of conduct. Honor among thieves, you might say. A very successful pirate by the name of Bartholomew Roberts, alias Black Bart, drew up a set of rules known as Bartholomew's Articles. Black Bart was quite a character. He was a religious man who banned his crew from gambling, and who enjoyed wearing fancy clothes. At his death in battle in 1722, he was wearing a crimson waistcoat and breeches, a gold chain, and a hat with a red feather. He was buried at sea -- well, actually, thrown overboard -- in all his finery. Some of his rules were: all important decisions to be put to a vote; any man caught stealing shall be marooned; no women allowed on board--
Iago: No women!? Not even Kate Moss over here with the kerchief, steering this ghost ship?
Zazu: <ahem!> Apparently, she didn't work for Bart. But there was an infamous buccaneer named Calico Jack who employed two female pirates; Mary Read and Anne Bonny. Alas, they didn't have Kate's fashion sense. They dressed like all the men on board.
Iago: I wonder if they had to take that darn PAP test.
Zazu: I don't know, but they must have taken a pregnancy test. They were sentenced to hang after their capture in 1720, but their sentence was reduced to imprisonment after they both revealed that they were pregnant.
Pirate Voice: Hold fast there lubbers! There be rough water ahead!
Iago: Yikes! I'm getting seasick. I thought this was gonna be a pleasure cruise. They promised drinking and looting in the cruise video.
Zazu: If you have complaints about this Disney cruise, I'm afraid you'll have to wait until we return to port to get any satisfaction. According to Black Bart, all crew's quarrels will be settled on shore. <guffaw> Iago, I made a pun!
Iago: Yeah, yeah, very funny. Hardee har harrrrr!
Pirate Voice: You may not survive to pass this way again!
BANG! WHOOSH! SPLASH! BOOM!
Iago: Zazu, we're drifting right into the middle of a battle! I could get hurt!
Zazu: Don't worry. Bartholomew's Articles state that injuries will be compensated. Anyone who loses a limb in battle shall receive extra booty.
Iago: Extra booty?? Does that mean if my leg gets shot off, I'll get two butts to make up for it?
Zazu: That would explain why you're such a big ass. You're always shooting your beak off.
Pirate on Ship: Strike your colors, you bloomin' cock-a-roaches! By thunder, we'll see ya to Davy Jones! Surrender, you lily livered lubbers!
Iago: Davy Jones is on this cruise? Groovy. Finally, some real entertainment!
Zazu: No, he's talking about the Davy Jones of the infamous locker, Monkee Boy.
Iago: How did you find out about that? Look, I was in high school. I was just experimenting. It was only one autographed 8×10 glossy. I don't know how that big bully got my locker combination, but--
Zazu: Too much information! Too much information! <ahem!> Look at poor Carlos, the mayor of the town. He's not doing very well, is he? I bet he's wishing he were someplace else just now.
Iago: That's exactly what that bully did to me. Except it was a toilet, not a well.
Zazu: I think you could use a good dunking right now. Maybe it would wash off that green dye. If we were in Disneyland, I could stick you under a waterfall. The West Coast version of this attraction sends guests down two of them, in fact. The first drop is 52 feet and the second is 37 feet, both at an angle of 21 degrees. This was necessary to get the boats under the Disneyland Railroad tracks, as the main show building is actually outside the tracks. Disneyland guests also get to go up a 90 foot waterfall at a 16 degree angle.
Carlos: I am not chicken! I will not talk.... <glub glub>
Iago: <shaking his head> Give it up, Carlos. The atomic wedgie comes next.
Zazu: Pirates do not give atomic wedgies, Iago. Usually they're so happy to be ashore that they just enjoy themselves, stock up on food and medicine, and repair their ships. Every once in awhile, the ship has to be "careened." That means it's put on its side so the weeds and barnacles can be scraped off. Weeds slow the ship down, which is not a good thing when being chased.
Iago: Tell me about it! High school text books have the same effect. No wonder I messed up on those SAT's.
Zazu: Look, Iago, this next scene is the bride auction. Did you know that Blackbeard was rumored to have fourteen wives?
Iago: He sounds like quite the matinee idol.
Zazu: Yes, it must have been the long black beard braided with ribbons, and the burning sulphur matches under his hat brim that made him so appealing. Not!
Iago: Maybe I should've tried that look to get a date for the prom. It probably would've worked better than the baby blue polyester leisure suit and the platform shoes.
Pirates: We wants the redhead! We wants the redhead! We wants the redhead!
Iago: Ha! Yeah, right. Hey Zazu, did she just say "As if...." or was it my imagination? I bet her name is Jennifer or Heather or--
Zazu: Will you please stop having high school flashbacks! This is the 90's. Even the pirates have gotten more politically correct. Like this cupshotten fellow on our left, by the barrel.
Iago: Cupshotten??
Zazu: Yes. In other words, he's in his cups.
Iago: Jeez, he wears more than one? Stupid macho football jocks!
Zazu: No, no, that means he's drunk. Now he talks about a treasure map. But prior to the P.C. changes, he talked about hoisting his colors on the likes of that shy little wench in the barrel.
Iago: Believe me, Zazu, hoisting their colors on wenches is what high school football players do best.
Zazu: Well, apparently the wenches have gotten sick and tired of it, as evidenced by the fact that these ladies are now chasing off the pirates, whereas previously the pirates chased them.
Iago: Hey Zazu, what the heck is going on here? You said that pirates were so happy to get ashore that they just enjoyed themselves. But these pirates are burning down the town!
Zazu: While these flame effects are quite convincing, Iago, they are in fact an illusion. However, they are realistic enough that they are connected to the fire alarm system so they'll shut down and not confuse firefighters. But now that you mention it, these fellows do seem to be enjoying themselves.
Drunken Pirates:
We kindle and char, inflame and ignite.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
We burn up the city, we're really a fright.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho....
HEE-HAW! MEOW! WOOF! OINK! CLUCK!
Iago: I'll say. And they seem to have a soft spot for animals, so I guess they can't be all bad. I always thought they just liked parrots. But they're hanging out with donkeys and pigs and cats and dogs....
Zazu: I do hate to tell you this, Iago, but they may have ulterior motives. Have you ever heard of Salmagundi?
Iago: Heard of it!? I had it. Don't you remember when I bought that hot dog from the cart in Disneyland? As a matter of fact, this guy up here with the brown stuff on his hairy leg looks just like the vendor I bought it from. Boy, was I sick! I was--
Zazu: No, you parasite, you're thinking of salmonella.
Iago: Oh yeah. Salmagundi is that writer who got in trouble with the Ayatollah. You know, I warned him that was gonna happen, but he didn't listen to me. So afterward I said, "Ayatollah so!" Bwahahaha!
Zazu: No, that's Salman Rushdie! Salmagundi is a pirate snack. It typically consists of 1 turtle, 1 fish, 1 chicken, 1 pig, 1 duck, 1 cow, and 1 pigeon, roasted and marinated in red wine and spices, then mixed with cabbage, pickled herring, anchovies, mangoes, onions, grapes, hard-boiled eggs, pickled vegetables, garlic, salt, pepper, mustard seed, oil and vinegar.
Iago: Oh, bleeeeech! I think that was on the menu at the Norwegian restaurant in Epcot. But what does that have to do with -- <gasp!> You don't mean....
Zazu: I'm afraid so. Pirates must improvise depending on the availability of meat, and recipe substitutions are quite common. And consider the fact that the humans outnumber the animals 66 to 57 in this attraction, at least in the Disneyland version. The pirates certainly don't want to starve. Why, some Caribbean pirates in the late 17th century had to eat monkeys and snakes, while others relied on goats and sea turtles. And there were Chinese pirates who subsisted on caterpillars boiled in rice; and rats, which were considered a delicacy.
Iago: Zazu, I don't feel so good. This polly want a soda cracker. Now I know why they're burning the town. They're gonna have a barbecue.
Prisoner: How's about a nice juicy bone, eh? Here, here doggy. Psst, psst. Come on now. Here you go, deary. Have a nice bone, eh?
Iago: Aaaaaagh! They've already started. I don't wanna know where -- or who -- that bone came from. Now they're gonna eat the dog!
Zazu: Actually, Iago, I believe these are townsfolk who have been locked up by the pirates, and they just want the key from Rover.
Iago: Townsfolk!? Yeesh, this is the sorriest, most disreputable bunch of townspeople I've ever seen. Are you sure they're not Washington politicians on vacation in the Caribbean? Courtesy of taxpayer money?
Zazu: Hmmmm. Perhaps we've stumbled upon some kind of doubloon-laundering operation. Just take a look at all this treasure!
Iago: Woohoo! This is almost as good as the Cave of Wonders. I think I'll help myself to some diamonds in the rough before ol' Barkley gets back from his trip. I wonder why he had to leave so suddenly, anyway.
Zazu: So, do you feel more comfortable about taking on his role temporarily?
Iago: I sure do! Thanks, Zazu. Oh, but I haven't memorized my pirate spiel yet, or that song I've got to sing: "A Parrot's Life For Me."
Zazu: Perhaps he wrote down his lines and the song lyrics on his note.
Iago: Oh yeah. Let's see. I've got the paper right here. "Dear Iago, yadda yadda yadda got to leave unexpectedly yadda yadda yadda make sure you get the right color dye yadda yadda yadda -- oh, here it is! -- lyrics on back of page." <turns it over> ... That's funny....
Zazu: What is?
Iago: There's nothing on the back but a big black spot, and a short note. It says "You have 'til ten tonight." I guess he means the Magic Kingdom is closing at ten. Do you know if that's when we cease operations, Zazu?
Zazu: Er, I'm pretty sure that one of us will be ceasing operations then. By any chance, does that Wal-Mart sell dye remover?
The music selected to accompany this page is "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel.