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Iago & Zazu'sand da Old Troll'sAttraction of the WeekJungle Cruiseor, Out of Con-Troll!Music for Getting Sent Up the River: |
Zazu: Iago, we're going on a cruise! Break out the supplies.
Iago: Ooooh, where'd I put my flip-flops and my orange Speedo?
Zazu: No, not those supplies. You'll need your pith helmet and insect repellant.
Iago: I bet you called my travel agency, Dysentery Tours, didn't you? I told you, I thought their name was Disney Ferry Tours. It was a mistake.
Zazu: No, Malaria Mouth. As a matter of fact, we don't need a travel agent at all for this particular cruise. We'll be on the clock the whole time. I'm afraid that some mysterious tropical ailment has totally drained the Jungle Cruise Cast Member pool. We've been selected to serve as escorts on the maiden voyage of a newly trained Skipper pulled from the character pool.
Iago: Maiden voyage? Not for long. I bet it's one of the Princesses! I'll just pull on this Speedo.
Zazu: Actually, we'll be riding on a queen.
Iago: Huh? Can you say that?
Zazu: Iago, the boat we'll be cruising on is one of the 27-foot launches of Disney's Jungle Cruise, and those boats modeled after the African Queen of film fame.
Iago: Wow! Can I do my Bogart imitation for Kate?
Zazu: Um, no, Iago. <cough> I'm afraid we'll be on a different boat.
Igao: Which one do we get?
Zazu: It depends on the queue. The sixteen boats here at Walt Disney World are named: Amazon Annie, Bomokandi Bertha, Congo Connie, Ganges Gertie, Irrawaddy Irma, Kwango Kate, Mongala Millie, Nile Nellie, Orinoco Ida, Rutshuru Ruby, Sankuru Sadie, Senegal Sal, Ucayali Lolly, Volta Val, Wamba Wanda, and Zambezi Zelda.
Iago: I'm not positive, but I think Disney stole those names from my little black book. I don't mind, though. Just so long as it's not the "Leaky Tiki"!
Zazu: Actually, there is a boat by that name, but it's not in service. Disneyland has different names for their thirteen boats, including: Amazon Belle --
Iago: Amazon Belle!? Wow. That makes me think of Belle in a whole new way. I'm picturing stiletto heels and a gold bikini. Hubba hubba. I wouldn't even mind if she read a book in bed.
Zazu: <ahem!> If I may continue ... Congo Queen, Ganges Gal, Hondo Hattie, Irrawaddy Woman, Kissimmee Kate, Magdalena Maiden, Mekong Maiden, Nile Princess*, Orinoco Adventuress, Suwanee Lady, Ucayali Una, Yangtze Lotus, and Zambezi Miss.
[* no longer in service]
Iago: Your memory is amazing!
Zazu: I told you it was worth upgrading this computer to 64-Meg.
Iago: Okay, so you don't know which boat we'll be on. Do you know who our pilot will be?
Zazu: A rather obscure Disney character.
Iago: Who?
Zazu: da Old Troll.
Iago: WHAT?!? There's no way I'm getting on a boat with that lunatic. I've had too many close calls walking over his International Bridge at Epcot. He despises me. And I can't take anymore pun-ishment, if you know what I mean. Besides, how the heck did he get chosen for this assignment?
Zazu: As part of his lease for the troll cave under the bridge, da Old Troll must work for Walt Disney World one day per quarter. Usually it involves backstage scut work, as befits his limited talents (and his less-than-wholesome appearance), but right now his is the only warm body left to fill in at the Jungle Cruise. He attended a brief, but intensive, training program last night, and today he welcomes his very first guests.
Iago: Yeah, great. Guests. He'll probably have a machete, and as soon as we get on the boat, he'll announce it's time to carve the birds.
Zazu: Believe me, the Jungle Cruise Supervisor is no happier about this than you are. He doesn't trust the Troll either. So we've been assigned the task of overseeing his performance. Now extract yourself from that orange sausage casing, and let's go.
Supervisor: Listen up, Troll! Neither of us is crazy about you being here, so let's do this the easy way. Don't get lost, stick to the script and NO UNAUTHORIZED TROLL PUNS! I mean it, none of your infamous puns, or else. Just to be sure, a couple of my stool pigeo -- er, pals -- are gonna ride with you. Here they are now. Sit right up front, Iago.
Iago: ... Er, that's okay. I can hear him fine from back here. But Zazu will be more than happy to keep Troll company. Won't you, Zazu?
Zazu: Why certainly! I'll sit up front and prompt him if he forgets his lines. Good day, Tro -- uh, oh my. My dear fellow, would you care for a Tic Tac? And perhaps a toothpick for that piece of goat meat you have sticking out between your teeth?
Troll: No thanks, Zazu my man. I find that the bored teen-agers I usually eat for my between-meal snacks tend to yank the billy goat shreds right out. <evil grin> Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the newest and most ill-fated Jungle Cruise boat, The Love Canal Lucy. I'm gonna be the Skipper. If anyone wants to be Gilligan, it's an extra twenty. ... the professor? Maryann? They're only ten bucks. Ginger? Ginger? Anybody wanna be Ginger? If you are a really good Ginger, I'll pay you. Anybody?
Iago: <snort> Looks like Ginger's abandoned you and the Spice Girls, Troll. Which Spice Girl are you, anyway? Pun-gent Spice?
Troll: Please refrain from speaking to the driver while the craft is in motion, stopped, or sinking. In other words, SHUT UP, YOU RED MENACE! Don't take that "sinking" thing serious, folks. If you are one the few people who has seen that Titanic movie, don't worry. Disney never claimed these tubs were unsinkable ... of course, we may have to stop for ice, too.
Iago: Hey Zazu, do you think da Troll is a bad enough pilot to actually sink this boat?
Zazu: Relax, Iago. These boats are so well made, the U.S. Navy came to Disneyland to inspect the first convoy.
Iago: Really? Why would they care?
Zazu: At the time, 1955, these were the largest fiberglass-hulled boats ever built.
Troll: Either that or the sailors heard that Disney was starting up naval operations and they wanted to see the belly dancers.
Iago: Hey, that's my line!
Troll: Okay, folks. Let's go. Make it march. Slide together ... let's tighten it up there ... get those cushions clean. Let me remind you, horseplay is not allowed while onboard. If you want to play with your horse, go over to the Tiki Room, I hear they have lot of space in there since the new birdbrains took over.
Iago: Okay, Troll man. I don't have to take that! You and me right here, right ... Holy personal flotation device! This thing is moving.
Troll: Please remain seated, unless you are collecting your complimentary lucky parrot feather. You may pluck as many lucky feathers as you like. I guess I don't have to remind you that the last five Florida Lotto winners had a red parrot feather in their pocket when they bought the winning ticket.
Iago: Ouch! Stop that. Put that back! It doesn't work. Get away from me, you idiots. If that lucky feather thing worked, I would win every week. That's enough, sit down already! Stop with the pull -- ZAZU!?! What the heck are you doing?
Zazu: Sorry, old chap, but I did plan on buying a ticket this week.
Troll: As we pull away from the dock, off on a voyage of wild discovery on the rivers of the world, you may want to turn around and take one last look at the people on the dock. Wave goodbye. ... Look, some of them are waving back. Some of them are even using more than one finger.... Due to the awesome responsibility of getting you folks and this well-appointed, modern luxury vessel through the jungle, Disney insists we sail with two equally trained, equally qualified and equally committed skippers. Let me introduce our second-in-command ... Hey you! You with the Goofy hat. Yeah, you're it. That's why you got to ride for free. If we run into trouble, you will be taking over. Just don't block my exit, okay?
Troll: We have left the rotting, stinking, vermin-infested last outpost of civilization. Now we are traveling deep into the rotting, stinking, vermin-infested tropical rainforest. Life runs amok here. For example, you might think those are butterflies. No way. Those are giant viruses grown by the pharmaceutical companies for the winter cold season. Everywhere you look, there is water. Rainforests experience hundreds of inches of rain every year. As you may already know from reading that little Environmentality card in your overpriced hotel room, Disney recycles its water. Just what from they never tell you. Of course, if you glance over the side and happen to notice how brown the water is these days....
Zazu: <sternly> Iago, I thought I told you last week that the Swiss Family Treehouse had no toilets.
Iago: Well, what do you expect me to do when nature calls at 3 a.m.? Walk down those 69 steps to the Restrooms of Confusion, then back up the other 68 steps? I can't hold it that long!
Troll: Here's my pal the Python. He once told me that many years ago, back in the Aboriginal Dreamtime, there were some animals sitting around a campfire discussing how they were going to survive the next 40 thousand years. A hawk perched on a tree branch said, "Well, us hawks will survive because we have razor sharp eyesight and can see our prey from miles and miles away. No animal can see better than us!" A lion then stood up with his chest out and proclaimed, "Well, us lions will surely survive because our loud roar puts fear into all animals' souls. We are kings of the jungle!" A skunk then walked forward and said, "Well, us skunks will definitely survive because no animal can tolerate our smell. No animal comes near us!" Then, out of nowhere came this huge python, 40 yards long and as wide as a house, and it gobbled them all up -- hawk, lion, and stinker!
Iago: That's a pun. I think that's a pun. I'm gonna rat you out to that Supervisor as soon we get back, Bridge Beast.
Troll: Back? Who said you were going to make it back?
Zazu: That's quite enough, Troll. Now tell us about this campsite with all the gorillas, please.
Troll: Here are a group of teen-agers enjoying mom and dad's first "alone" vacation in years. They can't believe their parents actually bought the "We're so depressed because you don't trust us. You can leave us alone, we're responsible" speech. They even left the car.
Troll: Now we are traveling on the long and winding Nile River, the longest river in the world, winding across some 4,000 miles. Thanks to our powerful, modern steam engine we can do it in 12 seconds.
Zazu: Actually Troll, these boats are powered by 60 horsepower natural gas engines. (The Disneyland boats by slightly smaller engines.)
Iago: Gas? That would explain the fuel hose sticking out of da Troll's pants.
Troll: Now be nice birds, or I'll give you a free sample. Here on the lower Nile, we can peer amid the relics of history.
Iago: I heard that! Pyramid! That's a pun. I got your butt legal this time, Troll.
Troll: Don't threaten me, you feathered weasel. I can still charge you in the Kona Cafe murder plot. This is Florida. Electric chair, remember. Old Sparky will fry you up quicker than one of Aunt Polly's Famous Tourist Chicken Fingers.
Zazu: Um, perhaps you'd rather tell us about Disney's very first animatronic characters?
Troll: All right already, Poindexter. Ladies and gentlemen, we have some fierce wild bull elephants over on the left bank. The reason they are so fierce is that the wild cow elephants are on the right bank and we are in the way.
Iago: Those elephants look very real. NOT!
Zazu: Consider their age, Iago. Real audio-animatronics weren't invented until the early 1960's. Our Tiki brothers, who were hatched in 1963, set the stage for the audio-animatronic figures at the 1964 World's Fair. These beasts were designed a decade earlier, and are a marvel of reliability and endurance.
Iago: Endurance? You mean they've listened to da Troll's puns before?
Zazu: Nothing is that reliable. Ah, we're coming to the animals on the African veldt. Did you know that the Jungle Cruise was inspired in part by the 1955 documentary "The African Lion," a True-Life Adventure film? And did you know that Walt originally wanted to use real animals on the Jungle Cruise and call Adventureland "True-Life Adventureland," after the film series? That "True-Life" idea was dropped after it was pointed out to him that real wild animals sleep most of the day.
Iago: Yeah, Disney could never pull off a theme park using real animals.
Troll: Will you two hyena hors d'oeuvres shut up and let me talk? Over there is a resting pride of lions. This morning the adults went off hunting. They told the cubs not to wander away. However, a couple of small gnus came by, and the young lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them. Just as the cubs reached the end of their meal, the adults appeared. One of the cubs turned to the rest, and said: "That's the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."
Iago: Ouch! Ouch! I can't take these puns. I'm gonna be sick.
Zazu: Come now Troll, back to the script, we're almost past the scene with the rhino hunters.
Troll: Speaking of rhinos, have you considered rhinoplasty for that beak of yours? It seems you're always sticking it where it doesn't belong. I'm sure my physician friend, Dr. Ima Sticker, would be more than happy to....
Zazu: I'm quite satisfied with my profile, thank you. Now back to the gentlemen climbing the tree.
Troll: Ah, yes. Many former colonial states are now experimenting with democratically elected governments. Their voting practices may seem a little odd to us. For example, these men must climb to get their ballots under the baleful eye of the poll watcher.
Iago: Holy Pepto Bismol! My stomach can't handle this. One more and I start to sing, Pun-ky Brewster!
Troll: Notice the crocodiles. Unlike most crocodiles, because we feed them so well, these crocs are very tame. Hey birds, show the folks how tame they are. Fly down and perch on that big one's nose.
Iago: Yeah, right. Perch on this, Cave Clod.
Troll: Now we are approaching beautiful Schweitzer Falls. In fact, it looks like we are headed right into it. Perhaps you can avoid getting wet if you all lean over, remove those heavy wallets from your pockets and pass them up to me to balance the boat better as we try to turn.
Zazu: Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid he was going to try telling a joke about the front side of water.
Iago: I'm sure he'll get to it in the end.
Zazu: Kindly stop passing your wallets forward, ladies and gentlemen. The boat is guided by a track, so there's no danger of actually going right into the falls.
Troll: Listen, Alex Tree-beak, you are really crimping my style. Stop being so damn technical! Speaking of Jeopardy, we are now entering the deep, still pools of the jungle. Quiet, guys, I think this is the part where hippos are said to lurk in the shadows. So be careful, everyone! Sit still and don't rock the boat!
Iago: Hello? Did you forget I was aboard? Rocking the boat is what I do best!
Troll: Quiet now, I think we're gonna get past them. Some of the natives have told me they aren't dangerous except when they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles. Oh no, our boat engine is too loud, here comes one now! They used to give us a gun, but now we can only shoot them with a Kodak so our widows will know what killed us. Wait, this might work. <to a hippo> Leave us alone and I'll put in a good word for you for the ballet scene in the new "Fantasia." I can make you a star, baby. You don't want to end up in the Tiki Room with rest of the has-beens.
Iago: Has-beens?!? Where do you get off calling me a has-been?
Troll: I'm sorry, I forgot. In your case, it's a never-was.
Zazu: Now, now fellows, let's set aside our battle for the moment. We have company on the banks.
Troll: We do indeed, and those natives seem to be celebrating something. I know a little of their language so let me try to translate for you. What they seem to be chanting is, "Test Track's open, Test Track's open, Test Track's open." Maybe we should get out of here before they hear it isn't OFFICIALLY open. Uh-oh, too late. They must've been exposed to that techno-pop queue music for too long when the attraction broke down. That native war party really looks serious. <crouching> They are attacking! Do what you want with the women, just leave me alone! Aim for the parrot, aim for the parrot!
Iago: <ducking> What a wimp. I'm the bird, but you're the chicken.
Troll: You look more like a hot dog in that orange Spandex thing. Better watch out, or one of those natives will spear you and make you the guest of honor at a wienie roast.
Zazu: I thought I told you to take that Speedo off before we left the Tiki Room.
Iago: I tried. It wouldn't come off.
Troll: Yeah, it got stuck in his buns!
Iago: At least I've got a foot-long, red-hot --
Zazu: Moving right along, folks....
Troll: Now, ladies and germs, the highlight of the ride, the Backstage Tour of the waterfall effect. Notice how the simulated "water" appears to be falling down. These laser special effects are getting better and better all the time.
Troll: We will be making a brief stop here in this Cambodian temple for those who wish to forage for gold and jewels. If any of you survive and make it back to the boat, remember, the deal is a 70/30 split. I get the fat end.
Iago: Looks like you already did!
Troll: The fat end of the split, you feather head.
Iago: Yeah, that too, Gorge of the Jungle. Who sews them pants, anyway?
Troll: If any of you folks want a Kungaloosh-stained feather duster, feel free to take him home with you. If you'll turn to your left you will notice a huge Bengal tiger. Tigers are known to eat humans, but ... and this is a little known fact ... only when they can't get parrots to eat.
Iago: That is not true! ... Er, Zazu, that's not true, is it? Rajah's coming over to my place to watch the Super Bowl, and he's already in a bad mood because the Bengals sucked this year.
Zazu: I think perhaps you'd better buy the industrial size bag of corn chips, just to be on the safe side.
Troll: Here's the Sacred Elephant Bathing Pool. As you may know, here is where the original shower massage was beta tested. Uh-oh, watch out folks, I think we're gonna get wet. Everyone duck! Don't worry, I have towels for rent. Ten dollars a minute. These Indian elephants make a lot of noise. Over that way is a small village constantly annoyed by all the racket. All 500 villagers suffer from insomnia; they just can't sleep. They call themselves the Indian napless 500.
Iago: That's it, Pun-jab, this is gonna be your first and last voyage. Just wait 'til I get back to that dock.
Troll: And now we come to Trader Sam, witch doctor and all around head salesman of the jungle. Don't bother with the heads, that's just a come-on. His real business is trading pre-Columbian art for exotic birds, like ... well, like parrots and hornbills....
Troll: As we approach the dock, don't be unnerved if the dock attendants seem surprised to see you. They really weren't expecting to see you again, so give them a little time to get organized. I couldn't care less, but Disney hopes you've enjoyed your cruise and will come back to visit us again soon here at the World Famous Jungle Cruise ... rah, rah and all that. Now, leave the way you came in, pushing and shoving, with total disregard for anyone else. Be sure to collect your stuff and your kids before leaving the boat. I have enough ponchos, sunglasses and Pooh crap for three lifetimes, and I already had lunch. NOW, GET OFF MY BOAT!!!
Supervisor: What's that you got? And where's that hornbill with the pocket protector and his scabby parrot buddy?
Troll: Just a little artifact I got from Trader Sam. Hornbill? Parrot? Oh, you mean Zazu and Iago. They got off at the first bend. They said it was their tea time....
Supervisor: <walking away> Slackers.
Troll: <under his breath> And Sam had that nice big pot of boiling water....
Do not dismay, gentle reader. Our intrepid heroes did not end up as "one lump or two" in Trader Sam's brew. Much to Zazu's surprise and consternation, Sam and Iago turned out to be old buddies. Sam supplies the Tiki Room with the illegal alien exotic birds for the show. At least, he used to. Zazu took care of that little detail.
Turns out Trader Sam had picked da Old Troll's pocket, obtaining not only the Troll's lonely moth-eaten Troll Dollar, but also the tourists' wallets he had scored on the boat. Sam and Iago split the contents. Sam got all the cash and credit cards. Iago got the library cards and about 2,000 photos of kids picking their noses. Zazu, of course, would have none of it. He did say that he was glad Iago finally got to see what a library card looked like. Now if only he would find out what the library looked like.
As for the allegedly pre-Columbian Pooh Bear Amulet that Troll got in exchange for the birds, he was dismayed to discover that it wasn't solid gold.
It was, however, solid poo. Ah, the wonders of spray paint!
The music selected to accompany this page is the "Ballad Of Gilligan's Island" by Sherwood Schwartz and George Wyle.