When last we left our inept heroes -- er, make that our intrepid heroes -- they were perched perilously on the tracks of the Disneyland Railroad in 1955, dangerously close to discovering what a pressed penny feels like. But never fear, gentle reader! The magic bean prevailed, and Iago blasted a gassy Grand Slam, which propelled the duo back to the present day Magic Kingdom. They emerged relatively unscathed, although Iago inexplicably felt compelled to purchase a used DeLorean. Unfortunately, the deal fell through when the seller saw his credit report. As for Zazu, he merely insisted that everyone call him Mr. Bean for a week.
Iago: Wow, what a trip! I bet that was the farthest anybody ever traveled on hot air that didn't involve a balloon!
Zazu: Oh, I don't know. Disney's Flying Saucers got an awful lot of mileage out of hot air.
Iago: Hot air? I thought Flying Saucers had to be kept in cold air, or the ice cream would melt. And just how did Tom Carvel sneak those things into the parks past the Nestlé guys?
Zazu: Actually, it would have been the Carnation guys, but I'm not referring to Carvel's frozen treat, Mr. Softee Brain. I mean a real Flying Saucer.
Iago: Oh, gimme a break! I didn't think you believed in that UFO stuff.
Zazu: I not only believe in Flying Saucers, I've ridden in one.
Iago: Is that where they surgically removed your sense of humor? <guffaw>
Zazu: No, no, no. This was real! And while it did leave the Earth, its maximum altitude was only a couple of inches.
Iago: A couple of inches? Was it a dwarf ship?
Zazu: No, you're thinking of "Red Dwarf."
Iago: Bashful? What's he got to do with this?
Zazu: No, not that red dwarf. "Red Dwarf" is a science fiction TV series that began running on the BBC in 1988. In any case, the Flying Saucer I rode in was much older than that.
Iago: Wait, this isn't that old "Ancient Astronauts" joke again, is it?
Zazu: It's no joke at all. Disneyland really did have not just one, but sixty-four Flying Saucers for guests to ride, provided they had an E-ticket. The Flying Saucers opened in Tomorrowland on 6 August 1961, and closed on 5 September 1966. That was quite a long run, considering they ran on nothing but hot air.
Iago: Maybe, but I think Bill Clinton holds the record in that category. <snort!>
Zazu: Very amusing. But I was speaking literally, not figuratively. The Flying Saucers were suspended on a cushion of air.
Iago: Like a hoverboard?
Zazu: Must you remind me of "Back to the Future?"
Iago: Oops. I meant a hovercraft.
Zazu: Incredibly, you're on the right track, except that instead of the air coming from fans in the saucers themselves, it came up from under the ground.
Iago: How did it do that? Did you plant some of your "magic beans" there?
Zazu: Hardly. The air came up from the floor of the attraction.
Iago: You mean like an air hockey game?
Zazu: Not quite, airhead. Air hockey tables just have holes and the air comes up through all of them at once because there isn't that much air anyway. The Flying Saucers were supplied by four 100 horsepower blowers backstage, and the air was admitted through 18,000 small valves in the floor. The valves were actuated as your Flying Saucer passed over them. It was a very nicely designed system, if somewhat loud.
Iago: Oh, I get it. The valves opened up and pushed the saucers around a path sorta like the boats caught in the Maelstrom.
Zazu: No indeed. This was one of the few Disney attractions where the guests actually got to choose the direction of travel for themselves.
Iago: You mean they pressed a button, like on Horizons, and they got to see a simulated flight path?
Zazu: No, the guests actually steered the Flying Saucers, by tilting their bodies. There was no predetermined route.
Iago: Huh? Wouldn't that turn into some sort of hot air bumper cars?
Zazu: Ah, so you have read about it!
Iago: Don't be silly. When was the last time I read about anything? I just can't believe Disney let something like this happen. Geeze, did the control freaks take a vacation or something? Those saucers must have killed and injured hundreds of guests.
Zazu: Not at all. It was quite safe, as the saucers all had substantial bumpers around them. I don't recall any serious injuries ... at least among the guests. However, it certainly tried the patience of the maintenance crew. The chamber below the attraction was big enough to move around in, and a number of people -- including one of the designers -- got caught down there when they turned on the air supply and did some saucerless flying.
Iago: Well, it served them right to get caught. They shouldn't have been listening to pop music while they were on the job. Air Supply does have some catchy tunes, though. Is Saucerless Flying anything like doing the Moonwalk?
Zazu: I'm not talking about music and dancing! There was 300,000 cubic feet of air per minute being pumped through that chamber! Think about the consequences.
Iago: Wow! That sounds exactly like my hot air corn popper. How did they clean up the exploding cast members?
Zazu: <pause> You know, some days I wonder why I try explaining anything to you. There seems to be no limit to the things you can misunderstand.
Iago: What can I say? It's a gift! Like that free cheese I got from Uncle Sam.
Zazu: Speaking of Uncle Sam, did you know that part of this attraction was created by the U.S. government?
Iago: I knew there were politicians involved!
Zazu: It's true. Those air valves in the table were designed and manufactured for use on the second stage of the Jupiter missile.
Iago: Wow, I didn't even know the Jupiter missile had one stage, never mind two! Those NASA guys think of everything. What kind of entertainment did they have?
Zazu: <sigh> Animal acts. Monkeys, to be specific. Their names were Gordo, Able, and Baker.
Iago: <clapping> Ooh, I love a good animal act! So, what was the gimmick?
Zazu: It was a levitation trick. Able and Baker were weightless for 9 minutes.
Iago: Cool! What about Gordo?
Zazu: Er, Gordo's trick was that he disappeared ... permanently.
Iago: Huh?
Zazu: Let's get back to those air valves, shall we? The valve manufacturer made too many, and Disney picked them up surplus for a song.
Iago: Which song? "Colors of the Wind?"
Zazu: No. "You Can Fly! You Can Fly! You Can Fly!"
Iago: Figures.
Zazu: Alas, someone didn't do their figuring right. The attraction was a maintenance nightmare, and the valves started to fail. A few were sent back to the supplier, who asked how many times they had been operated. When Disney replied, "About seven million times," the supplier giggled with delight. It seems they were only meant to operate one million times, and this was seven times the life they had expected.
Iago: So what did they do, order new valves?
Zazu: Alas, the space program no longer had such a surplus available, and with all the other problems, it was decided to ground the saucers, but not before 5.3 million alien wannabes had taken flight in Disneyland.
Iago: 5.3 million aliens taking flight in Southern California? Does the Immigration & Naturalization Service know about this?
Zazu: Of course not. They haven't even figured out how to deport you.
Iago: Thank goodness for government incompetence!
The music selected to accompany this page is "Flying Purple People Eater" by Sheb Wooley.