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18 April 1999
Zazu: I'm back from my vacation, Iago! I thought I'd just pop in and say hello before I head over to the Tiki Room. So ... <cough!> I trust you had a pleasant time during our Spring Break.
Iago: Oh yeah, like you don't know all about the stuff that happened to me.
Zazu: I'm sure I don't have the foggiest notion what you're referring to.
Iago: Yeah, right. Like you had nothing to do with that blind date I had with Trixie from the Country Bear Jamboree. Big ha ha. April Fool's. Very funny.
Zazu: <snicker> Whatever do you mean? Liver Lips McGrowl was the one who set that up.
Iago: Yeah, and I saw you paying him off outside the Tiki Room right before you left for vacation. In fact, it was just before I picked up Trixie.
Zazu: My goodness, you picked her up?! I'm so sorry I didn't send flowers after your hernia surgery.
Iago: That is not what I meant. But I almost had to get an army of paramedics to pick her up when she opened the door and saw me standing there in my Speedo.
Zazu: Thank you for that image. I have permanently lost my appetite.
Iago: Well, I was planning on taking her out for a nice seafood dinner, and I wanted to be properly dressed.
Zazu: How very generous and uncharacteristic of you. Did you go to Flying Fish? Fulton's? The Coral Reef?
Iago: No, I was gonna take her to Columbia Harbour House for their fish strips, but she was laughing so hard that she fell down and couldn't get back up again. So then those Five Bear Rugs came by to help her, and they all fell on the floor laughing, too. But I figured since they were bear rugs, they could just stay down there until one of their big bear buddies came by to assist them. Or until I could call Davy Crockett on my cell phone and tell him to grab his gun and his Hibachi and get over to Grizzly Hall for a big B'ar-B-Q.
Zazu: Speaking of big meals, how did you enjoy your Easter dinner in the Cast Member cafeteria?
Iago: I never made it to dinner. Seems that Roger Rabbit was still mad at me for taking those photos of Jessica with my telescopic lens from the treehouse here, so he dressed up as the Easter Bunny and sent a big basket of jelly beans up to my penthouse.
Zazu: That doesn't sound so bad.
Iago: Well, it turns out they weren't really jelly beans. They were baked beans with cake frosting on them, and I ate the whole basketful.
Zazu: Dear Lord, no --
Iago: Yup. The good news is, the explosion knocked all those bears right back up on their feet. The bad news is, they hadn't eaten for a couple of days, and they were ornery. When they couldn't find enough emu legs in Frontierland to satisfy them, they wandered into Adventureland and somehow found their way into the Tiki Room. Of course, it was only a matter of time before they discovered your Disney Reverence Shelf. The fact that I had left the remains of my jelly sandwich on the shelf the night before probably had something to do with it. You know, them bears get mighty upset when they open up books that don't have any pictures in 'em. And being that they were in a crazed condition from being so hungry, and smelling the jelly that I smeared on the pages, I'm afraid they weren't very careful with your -- hey Zazu, where ya goin'?
Zazu: <sobbing> My babies! My babies!
Iago: Hehehe. April Fool's!
Zazu: What do you mean, April Fool's?! It's April 18th!
Iago: Yeah, I know, but we haven't been around for the last couple of weeks, and I really, really, really wanted to do something foolish.
Zazu: Since when did that require a special occasion? Besides, if you wanted to do something foolish, you should have come with me on Easter Sunday.
Iago: Where'd you go?
Zazu: To church, of course. In fact, it was a great big cathedral.
Iago: Oh yeah, that sounds like a barrel of laughs. NOT!
Zazu: Ah, but this church was the setting for the Feast of Fools.
Iago: My pool hall buddies went to a big church supper and didn't invite ME!!?? But I love pancakes!
Zazu: I'm referring to "The Hunchback of Notre Dame: A Musical Adventure" over at the Disney-MGM Studios. And your fool hall buddies were nowhere in sight. Though I must admit, they would have fit right in with the festivities.
Iago: That's the show that's playing over at the Backstage Theater, right?
Zazu: Actually, it's the Backlot Theater. But Dave Smith calls it the Backstage Theater in his "Disney A to Z: 2nd Edition."
Iago: Oh yeah. I remembered that 'cause I smeared a lot of jelly on that particular page. <snort>
Zazu: Hmmmm. I think you need to do some penance for playing that trick on me. Let's go. I'm taking you over there right now. Perhaps Frollo can think of an appropriate punishment for you.
Iago: I'm already gonna be with you. What more could he do to torture me? ... OW!
Zazu: Here we are. The Backlot Theater. Home to this outstanding stage show since 21 June 1996. And look! We're early enough to snag seats right along the runway.
Iago: Wow. I didn't even know they had airplanes in medieval Paris.
Zazu: Not that kind of runway. Honestly, I don't understand how the FAA allows you to fly with no one at the controls. I'm referring to this walkway that projects from the front of the stage. The actors in this production make extensive use of this device to bring the action right out into the audience.
Iago: It would also be a good place for an Easter egg roll. Did they do that the last time you were here?
Zazu: No, but that brings up an interesting point about the merging of Christian and pagan ceremonies. Eggs have become symbols of Easter, which is a Christian celebration. But did you know that the ancient Romans used to color eggs? The egg was looked upon as a symbol of the universe, representing the rebirth of the earth. During the springtime, the Romans ran races on an oval track, and presented eggs as prizes. Red eggs were especially treasured, being symbols of prosperity and happiness. In fact, on the birthdays of important Roman citizens, fowls were said to have laid red eggs.
Iago: Of course they did. And there were lucky red parrots inside them. But what does my impressive family history have to do with this show?
Zazu: Ah, you see, the Feast of Fools also represents the merging of Christian and pagan beliefs. It was usually held sometime between Christmas and the Epiphany. In Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," the date is 6 January, but more often it was celebrated on 1 January.
Iago: In honor of the new year?
Zazu: Er, no, in honor of Christ's circumcision.
Iago: <choke!> They celebrated that?!
Zazu: <ahem!> Actually, the tradition of the Feast of Fools probably grew out of the Roman Saturnalia, a winter celebration in which a temporary social revolution went into effect, with the positions of the lowly members of society being switched with those of the upper classes. In other words, things were "topsy turvy." There was much buffoonery involved, and the wine and jokes flowed freely.
Iago: Sounds like my kind of party.
Zazu: No doubt, considering it was also known as the Feast of Asses. You see, the ass was a fertility symbol, and the pagan feast of Epona -- goddess of horses, asses, and mules -- was held in December. So it was quite appropriate to act like an ass during the festival. The strange thing is that the Feast of Fools was forbidden by the Council of Basle in 1435, yet our story takes place around 1500. Foolish indeed.
Iago: Speaking of foolish, why is this guy on stage juggling heavy objects, and why did you pick seats so close to the stage?
Zazu: That's Matt. He and Randy alternate as the preshow entertainment. Juggling was quite popular in medieval times. Matt puts a modern twist on the act by offering to juggle a chainsaw. And you should see his skill with the dangerous Diablos.
Iago: He juggles Maleficent's bird??! Let's get outta here before he decides to add a parrot and a hornbill to his repertoire.
Zazu: Don't be absurd. The show is about to start. Quiet now.
Clopin sings:
Morning in Paris, the city awakes ...
Iago: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Clopin sings:
To the bells of Notre Dame ...
Zazu: Wake up, you ding-a-ling!
Clopin sings:
The fisherman fishes, the bakerman bakes
To the bells of Notre Dame
To the big bells as loud as the thunder ...
Iago: <BURP!!!>
Zazu: Quiet!
Clopin sings:
To the little bells soft as a psalm ...
Iago: <burp>
Clopin sings:
And some say the soul
Of the city's The toll
Of the bells - The bells of Notre Dame!
Zazu: Oh, I always get chills during this song.
Iago: Yeah, me too. Oh, wait. It was just that guy in front of us with the Squeeze Breeze. Which reminds me, I think I was in this theater a long time ago, but the only thing I remember in detail was that there was a big tree right in front of me.
Zazu: Ah, you must have seen "The Spirit of Pocahontas," which ran here for eight months, closing on 24 February 1996. That tree was Grandmother Willow.
Iago: No, it wasn't a willow. It was some other kind of tree. And I was sitting right behind it. I couldn't see a thing.
Zazu: Oh, you must be referring to one of the five sycamore trees that were planted to provide some appropriate atmosphere -- and much needed shade --for the Pocahontas show.
Iago: Okay, I'll go for the obvious joke: "How high does the sycamore grow?"
Zazu: Disney cut them down, so we'll never know.
Iago: Sheesh! Talk about not practicing what you preach.
Zazu: <ahem!> Unfortunately, by the time "The Spirit of Pocahontas" closed, the trees were too large, at 40 feet, to remove without damaging the theater, so they had to be cut down with chainsaws the day after the show closed.
Iago: Chainsaws? That must have been the first day that Matt began practicing.
Zazu: Quite possibly. I do hope they got Grandmother Willow out before the carnage began. Much as I mourn for the trees, I'm thankful that the theater now has a real roof.
Quasimodo sings:
Out there among the millers and the weavers and their wives
Through the roofs and gables I can see them ...
Iago: And you thought I was the only Peeping Tom around here.
Zazu: At least Quasi doesn't use a telescopic lens. So tell me, what do you think of the gargoyles?
Iago: I think Laverne should wear a bra. She's been hanging around the cathedral too long, if you get my drift.
Zazu: I don't think they had bras in 15th century Paris. Especially for gargoyles. Besides, it's a gargoyle's job to hang around a building. Though they are mostly just decorative now, gargoyles -- from the Old French word "gargouiller," meaning "gargling sound" -- originally served not only to frighten evil spirits from structures, but also as downspouts. Water spewed from their mouths.
Iago: It still does. I think Hugo just spat at me. Hey, Pig Man, say it, don't spray it!
Zazu: Shhhhh! Thank goodness the Feast of Fools scene is starting. I don't think anyone heard you.
Iago: Woohoo! It's Mardi Gras!
<CONFETTI SHOWER>
Iago: What the heck is this stuff?
Zazu: It's bell-shaped confetti.
Iago: What, no beads??!! But aren't there any babes --
Clopin sings:
Come one, come all
See the finest girl in France
Make an entrance to entrance
Dance la Esmeralda Dance!
Iago: <wolf whistle> Hey Zazu, I think you're right. They didn't have bras in 15th century Paris.
Zazu: Will you please pay attention to the story! This is where all the trouble starts. Quasi is crowned the King of Fools ... which angers Frollo ... and when Esmeralda goes to Quasi's aid, she incurs Frollo's wrath.
Iago: So what's with this Beavis guy? Is he good or bad?
Zazu: That's Phoebus, you Butthead! And he's a good guy.
Iago: Where'd he get that dumb name?
Zazu: "Phoebus" is not dumb.
Iago: Oooooh, I'm having a "Maude" flashback. But I thought it was Phillip who was not dumb.
Zazu: You watch entirely too many old sitcoms, Bea Arthur Breath. Phoebus is the Greek name for the Roman god Apollo. The name means "sun god." He represented the perfection of youth and beauty.
Iago: I thought I represented the perfection of youth and beauty.
Zazu: No, you're thinking of the rejection of youth and beauty.
Iago: Very funny. But just to show you how educational my pool hall is, I heard a story about Apollo there just the other night.
Zazu: Oh, do tell.
Iago: Well, there was a bird there who survived a horrifying close encounter with a UFO and lived to tell the tale.
Zazu: What does that have to do with Apollo?
Iago: Let me finish. See, a few weeks ago, he was visiting that historic Williamsburg place that you're always going on about, and he made a wrong turn trying to find the Governor's house. Next thing he knew, he was attacked by what looked like some sort of ancient god with a big head and long hair driving a flying chariot. He swears it was Apollo, but I think that's just the post-traumatic stress syndrome talking. Anyway, isn't that a fabulous story?
Zazu: Oh my, yes. Absolutely Fabio.
Iago: Holy smokes, Zazu! I think all this talk of ancient gods has gotten Hades all steamed up. The stage is on fire!
Zazu: Yes, it's quite an impressive special effect, isn't it?
Iago: Do you mean to tell me it's just fake fire, like in Pirates of the Caribbean?
Zazu: Er ... why yes. Yes it is. Go ahead. Reach out and touch it.
Iago: Hey, wait a minute. You're lying. Reach out and touch it -- ha! If I wanted to get cooked, I'd go to Aunt Polly's.
Hugo sings:
Paris, the city of lovers is glowing this evening
True, that's because it's on fire; But still, there's "l'amour" ...
Iago: It ain't gonna be on fire for long if Pig Man keeps spitting like that. Between him and this guy with the Squeeze Breeze, I feel like I'm riding Kali River Rapids. Where's the poncho salesman?
Zazu: Pay attention to the story. The only river around here is the Seine.
Iago: Hey, now that Frollo dude is trying to burn Esmeralda! That's it! He's gone too far.
Zazu: No, Iago, DON'T!!!!
Zazu: I have never been so humiliated in all my life.
Iago: Oh, sure you have. Remember the time Cinderella got a little tipsy at the Cast Christmas Party and walked into the men's room by mistake, and you were pulling up your Simba under --
Zazu: Enough! What you did today was absolutely unforgivable.
Iago: I was only trying to save Esmeralda and be a hero.
Zazu: That was supposed to be Quasi's job, you idiot!
Iago: Well, he was busy playing Tarzan, swinging around the stage. Esmeralda was going up in smoke. The last thing she needed was a rope. That would've added fuel to the fire. I did the right thing.
Zazu: You grabbed that man's Squeeze Breeze and stormed the stage! That was not the right thing!
Iago: <pouting> I put out the fire, didn't I?
Zazu: Yes, and you got Esmeralda drenched in the process.
Iago: <perking up> Yeah, that wet dress was an unexpected bonus.
Zazu: Oh, you like wet dresses, do you?
Iago: Sure. Who doesn't?
Zazu: Hello, Ursula? Zazu here. My dear, I think I've found the perfect man for you. He practically lives in a Speedo. He's dying to meet you. He told me he loves fish strips, if you know what I mean. I've decided to arrange a surprise date for him....
The music selected to accompany this page is "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves," written by Robert Stone; this midi version sequenced by Jason Hones.