<Knock, knock>
Iago: Who's there? If that's you, Mrs.Robinson, the rent check is in the mail, and I'm not interested in playing "Princess and Street Rat" today.
<Knock, knock>
Iago: Zazu, is that you?
<Knock, knock>
Iago: Stop with the knocking already! <opens the door> Woody! What are you doing here? This is Adventureland, not Frontierland. Are you lost? Why are you pointing to your back? Oh, you want me to pull this big ring thingy? Okay .... <pulls the string>
Woody: Thanks, Iago. You're my faaaaaavorite deputy. I'll talk fast before the string goes back in. I'm a little excited. I hear they're auditioning for the Western scene in the Great Movie Ride, and I --
Iago: <pulls the string>
Woody: -- want to try for a part. After all, Buzz has his own attraction now, and the only work I've gotten lately is on the "Bug's Life" bloopers. Anyway, I think I can save the bank from being --
Iago: <pulls the string>
Woody: -- blown up. I mean, I saved Buzz from being blown up, didn't I? But I have this problem with stagefright during live performances, and I freeze up and can't even pull my own string. I want to be sure the guests can hear me, and I understand --
Iago: <pulls the string>
Woody: -- that you're the loudest Disney character. I was wondering if you could coach me, and help me out on my audition.
Iago: Why sure, Woody! I'd be happy to help. This string-pulling must get real annoying, though. Why don't you upgrade to batteries? <pulls the string>
Woody: I've thought about it, but Bo Peep says she likes stringing me along. <blush> And I'm sorta "hooked" on her, if you know what I mean.
Iago: You're a sheriff, and you're dating a hooker? You're a baaaaad boy. But you can count on me. Er, Woody, watch out for that branch, it's not too sturdy.
<SNAP!>
Iago: Oh my gosh! <looks down> Whew! Thank goodness your pull string got caught on that limb.
Woody: There's a snake in my boot! There's a snake in my boot! There's a snake in my boot! There's a --
Iago: Nah, that's not a snake. Mrs. Robinson, stop tickling the sheriff's foot! And where did you get that red feather from?
<Knock, knock>
Zazu: Come in!
Bert the Chimney Sweep: 'ello, guvnor. I were wonderin' if yer could 'elp me out.
Zazu: Why certainly, my dusty friend! Er, don't sit there ... or there ... or there. Um, perhaps you'd better just stand.
Bert: Sure fin', right, Zazu. The fink is, I 'eard they're 'avin' auditions for the Gangster scene in the bloomin' Great Movie Ride, right, and I'd like ter audition. I realize I'll need some dialect coachin', right, but I fink I 'ave a look the part, bein' an angel wiv a dirty Nanny Goat Race, right, so ter speak.
Zazu: Nanny Goat Race? Oh, I see, you're speaking in that quaint Cockney rhyming style. You mean an angel with a dirty face.
Bert: That's right. And yer bein' such a not so bad speakin' gentleman and all, I fought yer might be able ter help me.
Zazu: I'd be delighted! I suppose you must be bored after so many years of chim-chim-chereeing on that dirty old rooftop.
Bert: Yer got that right, right. It's time for a career change, and that one-man-band gig don't pay right well. And I were a starvin' artist wen I were drorin' them chalk pictures.
Zazu: Well, you've come to the right place. Let's get down to business, shall we?
Zazu: Why Iago, what are you doing here?
Iago: I'm here to help Sheriff Woody. He got a role in the Western scene of the Great Movie Ride, and this is his first day in front of a live audience. He's on in a few minutes.
Zazu: What a coincidence! I coached Bert the chimney sweep and helped him get a role in the Gangster scene. Today is his first day, too. Why don't I ride with you to lend Woody some moral support, and then we can ride again to see how Bert does?
Iago: Okay. Hey Zazu, look at this sidewalk. Some kids must've walked all over it and signed their names in the cement while it was still wet. How come I miss out on all the best pranks?
Zazu: It's not a prank, Iago. It's a tradition for celebrities to be immortalized in cement.
Iago: Oh. Did Jimmy Hoffa start that tradition?
Zazu: <ahem!> No, Norma Talmadge started it. There are several different versions explaining exactly how the footprint tradition began back in 1927 when the theater opened with C.B. DeMille's "King of Kings," but in any case, the first four individuals to place their footprints in the cement outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood were Miss Talmadge, Mary Pickford, Douglas Fairbanks, and Sid Grauman himself. Hands and feet were not the only appendages to leave an impression; Jimmy Durante's nose and Betty Grable's legs also landed in cement.
Iago: Body parts in cement ... you sure this isn't a Teamster job? You know what happens to nosy fellas....
Zazu: Quite sure. Actually, the original cement formula was a secret recipe devised by a man named Jean Klossner. None of the slabs that he created ever cracked. Alas, he never revealed the combination of ingredients before he passed away.
Iago: Speaking of ingredients, wasn't Sid Grauman the guy responsible for the pulverized Cobb Salad they serve at the Brown Derby?
Zazu: Indeed. Sid had a toothache, and his friend Bob Cobb created a salad for him that could be easily chewed. Sid was quite a showman. He owned and operated several magnificent theatres, including the Rialto, the Egyptian, and the Metropolitan.
Iago: Too bad he didn't own and operate a decent toothbrush.
Zazu: One might say the same for you, Mr. Cavity Goon. The only time you come close to flossing is when you wiggle into that fishnet Speedo. Now let's go to the movies.
Iago: Is there a candy counter inside?
Zazu: No!
Iago: Oh, they probably can't fit one, 'cause the building isn't as big as it looks. They use that forced perspective like with the castle, right?
Zazu: No, the theatre was built full-size, according to the original blueprints. There's plenty of room in here. 95,000 square feet, in fact.
Iago: Hey, what's this? Do they sell replacement shoes for the stars who ruin their footwear in cement?
Zazu: <sigh> If you only had a brain. Those are Dorothy's ruby slippers from "The Wizard of Oz." One of several pairs created for the film. And over here is Mary Poppins' carousel horse. Now, when we enter the preshow area, use the right hand queue so we get the Western scene.
Iago: Gee, there sure are a lot of people in here.
Zazu: Don't worry. This attraction has a capacity of 3,000 guests per hour. It's been handling large crowds of movie-lovers since the park opened on 1 May 1989.
Tour Guide: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Norma Jean, and I'll be your tour guide today. <giggle>
Iago: Yowza! Forget the cement thing. Norma Jean's best attributes are leaving a permanent indentation on my eyeballs.
Tour Guide: This is my very first day, and I'm so excited. Forgive me if I sound a little breathy. <giggle> I've always wanted the chance to say, "Ready when you are, B.C.!"
Zazu: Er, that would be C.B., Norma Jean.
Tour Guide: Oh, that's right. <giggle> Silly me. I always get those letters mixed up. I'm dyslexic. Our first scene highlights the movie musicals of Busby Berkeley. This scene is from 1933's "Footlight Parade."
Iago: Oooooh, more pretty girls! And bubbles. This is almost as good as Voyage of the Little Mermaid.
Tour Guide: Next, we see Keen Jelly in a scene from 1952's "Ringin' in the Seine."
Zazu: That's Gene Kelly, dear. In "Singin' in the Rain." I believe "Ringin' in the Seine" is a little-known adaptation of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."
Tour Guide: Oopsy! <giggle> Now, a scene from Disney's masterpiece, "Pairy Moppins."
Zazu: Dear Lord, give me strength. Did you know, Iago, that many of the animatronics in this attraction were crafted by the same artists who worked on the Hall of Presidents figures? I must say, Bert's animatronic double is an excellent likeness.
Iago: How can you tell? He's filthy. I think he needs to take a shower with Gene over there. And some of those soap bubbles wouldn't hurt either.
Tour Guide: <breathily> We're now entering the dark back alleys of the big city, at a time when gangsters ruled the streets. Here we see Kimmy Jagney in a scene from "The Public Enemy."
Zazu: Allright, the Western scene is coming up next. Keep your beady little eyes peeled for Woody, right after Wohn Jayne and Squint East -- er, John Wayne and Clint Eastwood.
Tour Guide: We're now entering the Old West. Hmmmm. There seems to be something wrong at the bank. I've never been very good with numbers, but maybe we'd better stop and see what's going on.
<The bank door bursts open, and Bert steps out>
Bert: Allright, yer mug! Oi! Cop yor 'ands up. This is us territory, see, eh, luv? Ain't no coppers gonna put the mockers on us.
Zazu: <gasp!> Bert! What are you doing here? This isn't the Gangster scene.
Tour Guide: Goodness yes, what's going on? I thought this was supposed to be a cowboy scene. And I wasn't planning to put my mockers on anyone.
Iago: Oh pleeeeez, put them on me!
Bert: I'm ever so sorry, Miss! I didn't mean ter put a fright in yer.
Tour Guide: That's allright. By the way, is that a gun you're carrying, or are you just happy to see my mockers? <giggle>
Bert: Actually, it's a broom, Miss. It as sposed ter be a machine gun, right, but they ran out of props backstage. I'm right glad ter see yor mockers, 'owever, believe me I am. Coo! Wot a sight. They're a bit of alright, ain't they? I don't cop to spot many mockers. As a matter of fact --
Zazu: Never mind that! Why are you in the wrong scene?
Bert: Zazu, right, sumfink went wrong backstage, do wot guvnor! I were accosted by a right excited cowboy fellow 'oo shoved me frough this 'ere door, wile 'e went frough the bloomin' gangster door. 'e were right nervous, right, he were.
Iago: Oh no! That must've been Woody. He did seem very nervous about his first day.
<Bang! Bang! Bang!>
Bert: I'm a wee nervous too. Them blokes are shootin' at me from across the street, right, and all I've got ter defend meself is me broom. Say, do yer smell sumfink burnin' over by the bank? I'm a chimney sweep, and I know wen sumfink's burnin'.
<BOOM!!!!!>
Bert: I knew it! Honest guv! Spot wot 'appens wen yer don't 'ave yor chimney tidied regularly, then, squire? I always say, right, a tidy chimney is an 'appy chimney.
Tour Guide: Look, I like a tidy chimney as much as the next girl, but I don't have time for that now. You're supposed to take over the ride vehicle while I get ready for my next scene.
Bert: I don't fink I can drive wiv the steerin' weel on the left side of the bloomin' motor, Miss.
Tour Guide: Don't worry, the tar is on a crack.
Bert: The tart is on crack?
Zazu: No, no, the tart is dyslexic. The car is on a track.
Bert: Oh. Wot should I do then, Zazu?
Zazu: I'm afraid you'd better get in the car, Bert. We'll sort this out later. Iago and I had best go back and see what kind of trouble Woody has gotten himself into. Let's go, Iago! I think we can fly over the top of this doorway.
Iago: Good-bye, Norma Jean!
Little Boy: Mommy, why is that cowboy just standing in the middle of the street getting shot at?
<RAT-A-TAT-RAT-A-TAT-RAT-A-TAT!!!!!>
Iago: Oh no! I'll go down and pull his string, Zazu. <pulls the string>
Woody: Oh boy, am I glad to see you guys! I'm lost! <choke> I'm a lost toy!
Iago: You went through the wrong door, that's all. You're in the Gangster scene. Just improvise. This is no time to panic. <pulls the string>
Woody: This is the perfect time to panic!
Iago: You just have stagefright. It sounds like you can only remember your lines from "Toy Story." Just try to say something appropriate. <pulls the string>
Woody: Reach for the sky!
Iago: Oooooh, good one. Now take over the vehicle. That's it. You're doing fine. I'm right behind you. <pulls the string>
Woody: Yee-ha! Giddyap, pardner! We got to get this wagon train a-movin'!
Iago: Very nice. Look at that, we're on our way.
Zazu: <whispering> Iago, what's going on?
Iago: Everything's under control. Just a little stagefright. Woody's gonna use some of his "Toy Story" lines, though. Oh look, there's Clint Eastwood lighting a cigarette. Doesn't that look realistic? <pulls the string>
Woody: It's a little light bulb that blinks.
Iago: Heh. How 'bout John Wayne on his horse over there? <pulls the string>
Woody: This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
Iago: Very nice. We're entering the "Alien" scene now. <pulls the string>
Woody: I found a spaceship!
Little Boy: Mommy, I'm scared. I'm glad I have my Mickey flashlight with me. I can pretend it's a laser gun. Do you think there's a space monster in here?
Iago: <pulls the string>
Woody: <pointing up> Look, Buzz! An alien! Hahahahahaha!
Little Boy: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Iago: <pulls the string>
Woody: Now, let's all be polite and give whatever it is up there a nice, big, Andy's room welcome.
Little Boy: Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! Mommy, it's dripping on me!
Iago: <pulls the string>
Woody: Ooooooh, melt him with your scary laser.
Zazu: Will you stop with the spaceman thing!
Iago: Okay, we're entering the "Raiders of the Lost Ark" scene, Woody. <pulls the string>
Woody: There's a snake in my boot!
Iago: Ha! You're on a roll, Sheriff. Good ad-lib.
Zazu: Iago, I believe there really is a snake in his boot.
Iago: Oh yeah, you're right. How did that get in there? Woody, calm down. It's just a fake snake. No, no, don't run away! No, not the stairs! Don't go up there. It's dangerous!
Temple Guardian: HALT, UNBELIEVER!
<Loud noise, lots of smoke, and then Bert emerges from the smoke>
Bert: 'ere I'm again, Zazu! Oi! This is so much more fun than sweepin' chimneys, it is.
Zazu: But -- but -- how did this happen?
Bert: Pixie dust, mate. Yer didn't fink this were plain ole chimney dust all over me kit, did yer?
Iago: What happened to Norma Jean?
Bert: Let's just say that ole Bert 'as a tidy chimney, right, and Miss Norma Jean 'as tidy mockers, and boff of us are as 'appy as 'appy can be. <wink>
Zazu: I don't understand. How did you --
Bert: Er, seein' as there's a wee child 'ere 'oo already 'ave a looks a bit traumatized, let's cop this show on the road. I fink I 'ear a jungle man callin' us. Yes indeed. It's Tarzan 'imself. Why, I fink 'e'd make a mighty not so bad chimney sweep. 'e don't seem ter mind 'eights at all. And just 'ave a look at the luvly Jane. I wish I could cop Mary Poppins ter wear that sort of outfit, right, but it's too chilly and wet in London. And, right, just between yer and me, Zazu, Mary's a bit of a prude.
Zazu: I beg your pardon! Mary Poppins is a proper English gentlewoman.
Bert: That's just it, mate. She won't even unbutton 'er jacket in front of me. I tried pourin' a bit o' whiskey in 'er tea one time, right, but that parrot of 'ers tattled on me.
Zazu: A parrot with a big mouth? You don't say!
Bert: Comin' up on us right, ladies and gentlemen, we 'ave the famous scene from "Casablanca." And ere's a bit of trivia for yer. That Lockheed Electra 12A is rumored ter be the bloomin' one actually used in the film. Next, right, we 'ave the Big Cheese 'imself as the Sorcerer's Apprentice in "Fantasia." It seems a bit windy in 'ere. Peraps the wind is changin' again, just like it did wen Mary Poppins arrived on Cherry Tree Lane. Or peraps it's sumfink else. Could it be a twister? Why yes, that's exactly wot it is! And 'ave a look! An 'ouse 'as landed on the Wicked Witch of the East. Sumfink tells me we're not in Kansas anymore.
Zazu: Iago, I do believe Bert has found his calling. He's doing a splendid job, isn't he?
Iago: Yeah, but I'm worried about Woody. Not to mention Norma Jean. And how do you think Bert will handle the Wicked Witch of the West?
Wicked Witch: Someone dropped a house on my sister! Was it you?!?
Bert: No, right, Miss, I can't say as it were. But --
Wicked Witch: I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dog, too! Ahahahahahahaha! <she disappears in a puff of smoke>
Bert: Well, I don't fink I've ever been called pretty, but I'm well a bit better 'ave a lookin' than 'er, eh, right, mates? I 'aven't seen a Nanny Goat Race that green since Mary Poppins ate some bad kippers for breakfast. And I've got a nicer broom, too. As we say a fond farewell ter Doroffy and 'er mates, we leave yer wiv some great muments in cinematic 'istory, from over 90 Oscar-winnin' films....
Iago: There you are, Woody! I was worried about you. <pulls the string>
Woody: Oh, I'm so ashamed! I completely forgot my lines, and I was in the wrong scene. I'll never live it down.
Zazu: There, there, my good fellow. It can happen to the best of us. Nothing to be ashamed of. <pulls the string>
Woody: Really? <sniffle>
Iago: Sure! I can understand why you were nervous. This theatre is very intimidating. Zazu told me all about that guy Sid with the bad teeth, and how he built this place, and the stuff about chopping things up into itty bitty pieces, and putting body parts in cement, and -- Woody? Where are you running off to? Come back!
Zazu: Iago, perhaps you shouldn't have referred to Mr. Grauman as Sid.
Iago: Ya think?
The music selected to accompany this page is “Walk Like an Egyptian” by the Bangles. (You did know that Sid Grauman also built the Egyptian Theater, right?)
Thanks to Kathy Glennan for the dialect inspiration. : )