29 August 1999
Iago: Well, Zazzy-boy, where do ya wanna go this week?
Zazu: As a matter of fact, Iago-A-Go-Go, I have selected a destination for us. Would you like to guess what it is?
Iago: <warily> This game isn't like "Hide the Banana," is it?
Zazu: <confused> Er, um, I don't think that's too likely. Anyway, the hint is "Tick Tock." Now you guess the attraction.
Iago: Hmm, I'd guess the Disneyland version of It's a Small World and that big clock, but we were just there recently. Is it a tour of attractions with unDisnical announcements?
Zazu: Good guess, sort of, but no. "Tick Tock."
Iago: Oh, I know! Tick Tock is the name of the alligator who's always trying to eat Captain HOOK. Are we going to fly with Peter Pan?
Zazu: Tick Tock is a crocodile, not an alligator. Remember, in Florida the alligators live in fresh water and crocodiles live in salt water.
Iago: Yeah, right. And nobody lives in the chlorine water at the old submarine lagoon.
Zazu: Yes, more's the pity. Guess again, "Tick Tock."
Iago: Gee, it's getting late -- wait, that's it! The White Rabbit is always checking his watch because he's late. Are we going to Go Ask Alice?
Zazu: That attraction is named "Alice in Wonderland," and we've already been there. You're confusing it with an old Grace Slick song.
Iago: You know me, I can't tell Slick from Airplanes.
Zazu: Especially after you've eaten funny mushrooms. Last chance, "Tick Tock."
Iago: Hmm. There are only two other attractions I can think of. One is the World Clock that used to stand at the entrance of Disneyland's Tomorrowland, telling the exact time for every point on the planet at once; the other is the clock on the castles that tells the time and the phase of the moon. Is it one of those?
Zazu: <sigh> Iago, you never fail to sink to the level of my expectations, and today is no exception. No, the attraction we will visit today is the Timekeeper!
Iago: Huh? We're gonna go down to the Utilidors and watch cast members punch the timeclock?
Zazu: No, but if you come down there with me later, you can watch the hornbill punch the parrot. I mean "From Time to Time."
Iago: Pleeeeeease! You punch me all the time. It doesn't hurt, though. I don't think you've been eating your spinach, POPEYE. <snort!>
Zazu: That is not what I meant! "From Time to Time" is the name of the Circle-Vision 360 film at the Timekeeper attraction in Tomorrowland. The attraction premiered at Disneyland Paris on 12 April 1992 as Le Visionarium. It opened here in the Magic Kingdom on 21 November 1994. The version of the film that we see was dubbed into English from the original French, and some scene changes were made. Now do you know what I'm referring to?
Iago: Oh, that. I haven't been over there in a real long time. There's something funny about that Timekeeper guy. He's kind of ... ORKy.
Zazu: I believe you mean "dorky."
Iago: Isn't that what I said?
Zazu: No, you said "orky." In any case, I'd like to discuss our recent time travelling adventures with him after the show. So, off we go!
Iago: Okay, any excuse to get out of this BIRDCAGE. But I'm kind of hungry. I'll just bring this GARP stuff to munch on.
Zazu: That would be "gorp."
Iago: According to you.
Zazu: Oh, we're just in time to catch the end of the preshow, starring 9-Eye.
Iago: Nye-Nye? Zazu, I had no idea you were that chummy with Bill Nye. I think I'm a little hurt. You never call me Ya-Ya.
Zazu: Not "Nye-Nye," you ninny! Nine ... Eye. Timekeeper's droid assistant, voiced by Rhea Perlman. She has nine built-in cameras all around her, which will give us a complete 360 degree view of everything she sees as she travels through time. Thus the term "Circle-Vision 360."
Iago: Oh, right. Now I remember. This is like the Canada and China movies at Epcot. Which means we have to stand. But I'm too tired to stand through this whole thing.
Zazu: Stop complaining and get in the theater.
Timekeeper: That's right, my friends. Why don't you come on in while we just do a final systems check?
Iago: Hey Zazu, these tourists are stepping on me, and I can't see a thing from down here. Let's just fly up there and sit on that perch.
Zazu: Iago, I don't think this is a per--
Timekeeper: For your safety, I've invented rails for you to lean on. I call them ... lean rails. Please do not sit on the lean rails. Because ... they're there to lean on. And please don't sit on the floor. My studies show that you can't experience time travel on the floor. And it's not a pretty picture in that Speedo.
Iago: Hey!
Zazu: Iago, perhaps we'd better get down from this lean rail. I think I'm sitting in the remains of someone's Dole Whip.
Iago: Nah, that's not Dole Whip. I was just sitting there.
Timekeeper: I'd like you all to meet my assistant. She's bold, she's brassy, she's self-contained, all the way from Cleveland, Ohio. Please welcome Miss Self-Programming Circumvisual Photodroid. Let's say hello to 9-Eye.
Iago: Wow, I didn't realize this Nanoo Nanoo chick was a beauty pageant winner.
Zazu: Her name is 9-Eye!
Iago: Whatever. She sounds like my kind of babe, no matter how many eyes she has. I've gotta get a closer look at her. <flies up to 9-Eye>
Zazu: No! Come back here! <chases Iago>
Timekeeper: Raising neutrino shield ....
Iago: See, Zazu? He wants to keep out the Neutrinos, but he didn't say anything about birds. I think the Neutrinos are an organized crime family. This is probably bulletproof glass.
Zazu: Actually, Iago, this effect over the Time Machine is another example of Pepper's Ghost, the same one who enlivens the Haunted Mansion, Horizons, Spaceship Earth, and even The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.
Iago: I guess Sergeant Pepper wasn't wearing his bulletproof vest when he busted the Neutrinos, huh?
Zazu: No, no, no. You see, the diagonal glass panel on the shield is actually reflecting an image projected on a horizontal surface belo-- oh, now you've distracted me! The point is, we cannot be up here during the show!
Timekeeper: Well, you Doubting Autonomous, you ready to make some history?
9-Eye: I'm ready already! Let's go!
Timekeeper: I'll decide when we're ready to go!
Zazu: Iago, we need to get away from this time machine before --
Timekeeper: We're ready to go.
<Timekeeper starts the Time Machine, sending 9-Eye and the Birds back in time>
Timekeeper: 9-Eye? 9-Eye?! Can you hear me?
9-Eye: I read you loud and -- Aaaaaaaaaaagh!
Iago & Zazu: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Timekeeper: 9-Eye! I've lost her! Miserable little piece of metal.
9-Eye: Hey, I heard that. Where am I?
Timekeeper: Don't worry, 9-Eye. You're safe and sound in the, uh, Jurassic Period.
Iago: Uh, Zazu, what's the JUMANJI Period?
Zazu: <gulp> Just think of it as a FERN GULLY. Lots of nice, prehistoric plants, just like the Universe of Energy. I'm sure we'll be perfectly all right.
9-Eye: I'm opening my eyes. I better like what I see. ... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Timekeeper: Big teeth, brain the size of a walnut.
Iago: Hey! I resemble that remark.
Zazu: No, you twit, he's not talking about you! He's talking about that giant, meat-eating dinosaur standing right behind you.
Timekeeper: Actually, I was talking about the bird. No problem. I've got it. Oh! Big joke for you. How many Neanderthals does it take to light a fire?
Zazu: Oh, I DOUBT FIRE had been --
Timekeeper: None! They don't have it. Hahahahahaha.
Zazu: <insulted> Well! I was about to say that.
<The scene changes to the Ice Age.>
Timekeeper: I've got you twelve thousand years ago, in the last great Ice Age. Fabulous! Oh, daiquiris for everybody.
Iago: Free booze? Now this is what I call CLUB PARADISE!
9-Eye: <shivering> How 'bout a-a-a cup of antifreeze? I'm icing up here.
Timekeeper: Here we are. 1450. A demonstration of Gutenberg's printing press.
Zazu: Oh, that sounds fascinating!
Iago: But I never got my daiquiri!
<Instead, the scene changes to a medieval Scottish battlefield.>
Timekeeper: Ve guess ve are not in Germany, unless there's a whole new fashion thing. Look at those skirts. They must be cold. And no one's wearing underwear.
Iago: Oh, great! We go back to a time when people wore skirts and no underwear, and there's not a broad in sight. Obviously, 1450 was not THE BEST OF TIMES.
Zazu: Here comes one of the locals now. Perhaps he's some sort of ambassador, sent to end this fighting.
Iago: Zazu, I don't think he's GOOD WILL HUNTING. He's carrying a mace, for cryin' out loud.
Zazu: Oh dear! Iago, look out!
9-Eye: Ow! Right between the eyes!!
Iago: <moaning> Those weren't my eyes. Trust me.
Timekeeper: I got you, 9-Eye. I got you. ... To the Renaissance!
<The scene changes to 1503.>
Zazu: Wonderful!
Iago: The Renaissance?! Oy, we'll probably have to sit in on some DEAD POETS SOCIETY meeting.
Timekeeper: Wait! Follow that Mona Lisa.
9-Eye: You always did have a thing for historical figures.
Iago: Yeah, her figure's not bad, but where are her eyebrows?
Timekeeper: You're going to meet a true visionary. One of my personal heroes, Leonardo DaVinci.
Iago: All this Italian stuff makes me crave a big bowl of spaghetti.
Zazu: Well, you're in luck. Leonardo here bears a striking resemblance to Franco Nero, star of many Spaghetti Westerns. Ford had John Wayne; Sergio Corbucci had Franco Nero.
Iago: Hey, did you see that, Zazu? That Mona babe smiled at me! It must be the Speedo.
Zazu: <sigh> Thank you for answering that age-old question. Now we know what the Mona Lisa is smiling about. I can die happy. Please kill me now.
<The scene changes to 1763.>
9-Eye: That's Mozart!
Timekeeper: Yes. Amadeus himself. Today's his seventh birthday. He's playing his own Minuet in G. Isn't is fabulous? And over there's little Louis the Sixteenth. With his head still on. <to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth> Ha-ha-ha-haaaa!
9-Eye: They've spotted us. Reel me in, Tin Man!
Timekeeper: Wait. I'm -- I'm trying. I'm trying.
9-Eye: Hurry, hurry! They can see us!
Zazu: Egads, 9-Eye, whatever you do, don't head toward the royal kitchen. I was only joking when I said "kill me now." I really don't want to end up on the chopping block like poor Louis. Let them eat cake, not hornbill.
Iago: Are you saying these French guys are gonna chop our heads off?!
Timekeeper: Try to blend in. Think chandelier. Think France. Think Chardonnay, gone tomorrow.
Iago: I don't wanna be gone tomorrow! And I don't wanna be served on a plate with a glass of chardonnay, either. Not to mention fava beans and a nice chianti.
Zazu: This is one time when BEING HUMAN would be a definite advantage.
Timekeeper: I'm working on it, I'm working on it, I'm working on it, I'm working on it. Oh! I pulled something!
9-Eye: Wow. What's happening?
Timekeeper: I'm sending you to the Paris Exposition. But it's stuck on fast forward.
Zazu: That sounds exactly like Iago. All the ladies complain that he's fast and he's forward.
Iago: Speaking of ladies, where are the can-can girls?
Zazu: There you go, proving my point. There will be no can-can girls! This is the 1900 Paris Exposition!
Iago: I know. So I wanna see some Parisian babes exposed. I don't think I can afford to pay 1900, though. Is that in dollars or francs?
Timekeeper: We're about to meet two of my greatest heroes: H.G. Wells and Jules Verne.
Zazu: Excellent!
Iago: Are they bringing the girls with them?
9-Eye: Oh look, here comes Mr. Wells. But I don't see Jules Verne.
Timekeeper: Look, right there! There he is. A man with his head in the stars. Jules Verne!
Jules: Monsieur Wells.
H.G.: The honor is mine, sir.
Timekeeper: Oh, and mine too, sir.
Jules: Your work, Mister Wells, caused quite a sensation.
H.G.: Yes, the time machine. I've brought along a model, for la conference.
Iago: Woohoo! See? He's got a model with him! And she's so hot that she causes a sensation. But where the heck is she?
Zazu: Not that kind of model!
Jules: Ah. I've spent my life writing about the possible, and you prefer the impossible.
H.G.: Impossible? No, sir. This may be improbable, but believe me, it's not impossible.
Zazu: Quite right, H.G.. Iago is the only thing around here that's truly impossible.
Jules: Have you travelled through time?
H.G.: Have I ever travelled through time? Uh, I have travelled through time as often as you have travelled from the Earth to the moon, sir, yes.
Timekeeper: Easy boy, easy boy.
Iago: Uh, is this, like, a fight or something? <yawn> At this rate, no one will walk away with any scars.
<H.G. walks off toward the conference with an associate.>
Zazu: Wrong as usual, Iago. There goes someone walking away with Scar right now. <shudder>
Iago: Huh?
Zazu: Oh, never mind.
Jules: <muttering> Time travel! It's impossible.
9-Eye: Oh yeah? Look again, Frenchy.
<Jules notices 9-Eye and the Birds, and comes closer for a better look.>
Timekeeper: 9-Eye, that's it! You're grounded. I told you not to interfere. I'm bringing you back right now!
<Timekeeper activates the time machine to bring 9-Eye and the Birds back, and Jules Verne comes along for the ride.>
Timekeeper: Ohhhhhhhhh! No! What've I done? Oh no! I'm gonna be turned into a Rediteller. "I'm sorry. You're overdrawn."
Jules: Who are you?
Timekeeper: Timekeeper. Just a guy who probably destroyed history by bringing you here.
Jules: Where is here?
9-Eye: It's the future, Mr. Verne.
Timekeeper: I've got to send you back.
Jules: No, wait. All of my life, I've dreamed of the future. You must let me see it.
Timekeeper: But I cannot guarantee your safety. We're not covered for this, really.
Iago: Now he tells us! Does that mean you're not gonna cover my vet bills for that mace injury? I won't be getting any FATHERS DAY cards after that one.
Jules: I'll take my chances.
9-Eye: I think you better go back. With Tinselhead here at the controls, you're gonna be French Toast by breakfast.
Iago: That reminds me. When does the stewardess come out and serve the food in this gizmo?
Timekeeper: Listen, Blinky! And you too, Stinky! I know exactly what I'm doing! Now, Monsieur Verne, tell me, what would you like to see?
Jules: <pause> Everything!
Timekeeper: Monsieur Verne, I proudly show you ... the modern world! In ... ten minutes or less.
Zazu: Hang on, Iago! We're off again!
<The screen goes black.>
Jules: So this is the future. It's very dark.
Iago: Maybe we're in my penthouse. I, uh, forgot to pay the electric bill again.
Zazu: If we're in your penthouse, I'm grateful that it's dark. We don't want Monsieur Verne to suffer from future shock.
<A train whistle is heard approaching fast.>
Timekeeper: Don't like that noise.
9-Eye: Hope that's not what I think it is!!
Iago: Hey, maybe we're in Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Do I get to cruise around southern California for real this time, Zazzy?
Zazu: Hmmmm. Judging by the sound, I'd say that's the French TGV, a high speed train capable of travelling 300 kilometers per hour. That's 186 miles per hour in American parlance.
All: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!
<WHOOSH!>
9-Eye: What happened? Where's Jules?
Timekeeper: I got him on the train. Wait, I'll move you in closer.
9-Eye: Way to go, Tinhead. You just turned Jules Verne into a hood ornament! And those two birds don't look very attractive flattened against that windshield, either.
Timekeeper: Uh-oh. Oops! Pardon moi.
9-Eye: Quit showing off and put them back on the ground now.
<The scene changes, and Jules and the Birds are smack in the middle of heavy city traffic with cars skidding and swerving to avoid hitting them.>
Iago: Oh my God, Zazu, it's Lee Horsley's carriage all over again!
Jules: Oui! Le horseless carriage!
Zazu: S-s-s-something t-t-tells me we're not on M-m-main Street, Iago.
<Honk! Honk!>
Iago: I think we're DEAD AGAIN. Dinosaurs, guillotines, high-speed trains. What else could go wrong?
Jules: All these cars! This is total madness! I want to try it.
<The scene changes to a race track. Jules is behind the wheel of a race car, with the Birds as passengers. 9-Eye tries to keep up with them.>
Timekeeper: Wrong way! Wrong way!
9-Eye: Go right, go right, go riiiiiiiiiiight!!
<Jules turns left -- the wrong way on the race track.>
Timekeeper: <imitating Jackie Stewart> Make a pit stop, Julie! Go back the other way, ye French lad. Go back.
Zazu: Oh dear. I'm afraid I should have made a pit stop before embarking on this journey. Monsieur Verne, these cars are not TOYS! Do be careful.
9-Eye: Hey Julie, look out! Aaaaaaagh!
<Jules speeds around the track, narrowly missing approaching cars.>
Iago: Ya know, Julie boy, you're pretty good at this. I had you pegged as a CADILLAC MAN, but this race car seems to suit you just fine.
Timekeeper: Oh my gosh, the pants are full. Hahahahaha!
Zazu: That makes two of us. If I were wearing any pants.
Iago: Oh, thank you very much, Zazu! There's nothing I like better than sitting in a puddle. What do I look like, a duck?
<The scene switches to a bobsled run.>
Timekeeper: Oh no, look up ahead, it's the Jamaican team! <with a Jamaican accent> Oh Jules, don't be afraid. You're comin' down a little slow, ah, really.
Iago: Listen, Chrome Gnome, I don't mean to sound crabby, but if you're gonna imitate Sebastian, you should be under de sea, not on top of a mountain.
<The scene switches to undersea exploration. Jules and the Birds are in a submersible vehicle.>
Zazu: <sarcastically> Oh, thank you for that suggestion, Iago. All this cold ocean water will wash away the traces of my little accident back at the race track. How nice not to be embarrassed when the medical examiner performs my autopsy. Cause of death: drowning.
Iago: What's wrong with a little sea voyage? Maybe we'll spot some mermaids.
Zazu: Do I look like THE FISHER KING -- er, I mean, do I look like a kingfisher to you??!! I am not a water bird.
Timekeeper: <imitating Jacques Cousteau> There goes Suzanne Somers, pulled by a blender fish.
Iago: Where? Where? I've been trying to lose some FLUBBER with that thigh master thingy. She's my idol.
Jules: So it is true. What one can conceive, one can achieve. Thank you.
9-Eye: Hey, I'm startin' to see a pattern here: on the land, under the sea --
Timekeeper: Right, 9-Eye. <imitating Ethel Merman singing "There's No Business Like Show Business"> There's nowhere to go but up!!
<The scene changes, and we are now looking down from the air at a European castle and mountains. We then see Jules and the Birds in a helicopter.>
Jules: Oh, Timekeeper! I'm flying!
Timekeeper: You can't fly. If you had wings like those two birdbrains, I'd let you go ... Sweetheart, sit down, will you? Don't make me come over there. I'll turn this helicopter right around, right now.
<The scene switches to an aerial view of the English countryside.>
Timekeeper: <with a British accent> What journey is complete without a brief moment in the English countryside with someone named Trevor? Hello, Trevor!
Zazu: <sighing> Ah yes, I know precisely what you mean. I once spent a brief moment in the English countryside with someone named Trevor myself. It was just outside a charming little HAMLET called--
(Zazu notices that everyone is staring at him.)
Zazu: <cough!> Er, nothing to see here. Move along, move along.
Timekeeper: We're heading for that aqueduct. And here we are ... wow.
<The scene switches to an aerial view of New York City.>
9-Eye: This is it, Julie. The Big Apple. New York, New York. City of ten million dreams ... and one parking space.
Iago: New York? It looks more like MOSCOW ON THE HUDSON to me.
Jules: It's fantastic! ... Timekeeper, can you take me even higher?
Timekeeper: Higher, Monsieur Verne? Your wish is my command.
Iago: "Your wish is my command"?? Why does that sound so familiar? Hey Zazu, I think I've met this Timekeeper guy before.
<The scene changes to outer space. Jules and the Birds are wearing spacesuits.>
Jules: From the Earth to the moon ... no doubt you've made that journey.
9-Eye: You wrote the book, Jules.
Zazu: And a marvelous book it is.
Jules: You are very kind.
Iago: You wrote a book, Julie? What's the name of it?
Jules: You are very stupid.
Iago: Wow, funny name for a book.
Timekeeper: <with a French accent> Monsieur Verne? Thirty seconds to your speech. Here we are, back at the Exposition.
<They return to the scene of the Paris Exposition, but it is now present day, with people picnicking, playing, and listening to contemporary music on the radio.>
9-Eye: Right place, wrong time, ya big lugnut.
Timekeeper: Hey, check this out, babe. <imitating a rapper> Yo, yo, do the Timekeeper rap. You got to see it now ...
Iago: Now you're gettin' the idea! Let's hang here for awhile.
9-Eye: Sorry, guys. We're outta time.
<The scene switches back to the Exposition in 1900.>
Jules: Thank you, Timekeeper. It was an extraordinary voyage.
Timekeeper: Extraordinary for me as well, sir.
Jules: 9-Eye, you were a most charming guide. <gives her a flower>
9-Eye: You weren't so bad yourself, Jules. If I ever come back, I'm definitely gonna look you up.
Iago: What am I, chopped liver?
Jules: That could be arranged, my plump little parrot.
Zazu: Er, perhaps we should be flying along now, Iago. I know you like to pah-tay, but I don't think you'd like to be pate.
<H.G. Wells walks up to them.>
H.G.: I don't believe what I'm seeing. This is ... impossible.
Jules: Improbable, yes. Impossible, no. This is 9-Eye, a time-travelling robot.
H.G. I'm not talking about the robot. I'm talking about this parrot wearing the orange fishnet ... thing.
Jules: Ah, yes. He is impossible!
9-Eye: Good-bye, Jules! Don't forget to write!
Jules: Good-bye, 9-Eye!
Timekeeper and Zazu: Good-bye, Monsieur Verne.
<The Time Machine brings them back to the present time.>
9-Eye: You know, I'm really gonna miss that guy.
Iago: Oh yeah, sure, it was real fun being dragged along on THE ADVENTURES OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN back there. Not!
Timekeeper: I'll miss him too, 9-Eye, but there's still one place we haven't seen. Ladies and gentlemen, now that we know my time machine operates flawlessly, who would like to travel into the future?
Iago: Flawlessly!? Oh yeah, right, Kooshball Head. You don't know JACK about safe time travel.
Timekeeper: Chill, Beaky! Or I'll stick you in a time capsule with your buddy here and throw you into the desert again.
Iago: <gasp!> Zazu, he's --
Zazu: <nervously> Er, not now, Iago!
Timekeeper: Now, any volunteers? Step right up, don't be afraid. Put yourself through a massive time warp continuum. Please, no Disney employees. Anybody? No? Oh well, I suppose we'll have to send these two birds hurtling through time and space into the vast unknown again.
Zazu: Oh, but I'm afraid you can't, Sir.
Timekeeper: I am not S.I.R.!! He's across the way at Alien Encounter, toasting fuzzy little aliens! And I am not Tom Morrow, either! I swear, if one more uninformed tourist gets my name wrong, I'll --
Zazu: Oh, please accept my humble apologies. It's just that, as it turns out, we are Disney employees. I had no idea about that exclusion clause earlier.
Timekeeper: Clause? Oh, what's a little clause? I'll just hit this switch right here --
Iago: You want claws?! I got your claws right here, Mr. Fliptop Fingers!
Zazu: <dragging Iago out of the theater> My associate is only joking, I assure you. Heheh. Thanks ever so much for the lovely excursion. Bye bye now!
Zazu: Good heavens, Iago, what were you trying to do in there? Who knows where we might have ended up if he'd started that contraption again. We might've been saying "GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM" tomorrow.
Iago: Well, you're the one who dragged us here! I'm goin' over to the Hall of Presidents for a nice, peaceful nap, to recover from all this stress. You wanna come along?
Zazu: That does sound tempting, but I'm afraid of WHAT DREAMS MAY COME so soon after this experience. I do hate to have rude AWAKENINGS. And besides, I thought they were having some technical difficulties.
Iago: Nah, there was just a little wardrobe problem with one of the Presidents. They had to PATCH ADAMS.
Zazu: Oh, I see. Which Adams?
Iago: There's more than one? I guess I never get past the first one before I drift off.
The music selected to accompany this page is "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is" by Robert Lamm.