July 1999
Zazu: Iago, our discussion of Disneyland's Flying Saucers last week got me thinking about space travel and aliens, and I realized that I had been missing out on an important piece of popular culture.
Iago: Since when is culture popular? I thought it was just for geeks like you.
Zazu: I'm talking about entertainment for Everyman.
Iago: You wanna go to a strip joint?
Zazu: NO!!
Iago: That's entertaining for every man I know.
Zazu: I knew this conversation would end up in the gutter.
Iago: Oh, you wanna go bowling. Now that's popular!
Zazu: No, you pinhead, I'm referring to the "Star Wars" craze. I had never seen any of the "Star Wars" films, so I went out and rented the original trilogy, and then I saw "Episode One: The Phantom Menace."
Iago: For cryin' out loud, Zazu, "Star Wars" came out 22 years ago! I can't believe you never saw the movies before now.
Zazu: Nor can I , but it's true. So now that I've seen them, I'd like to ride Star Tours for the first time. It does sound a bit rough, but I've read all the Star Tours trivia I could get my claws on, so I think I'm well prepared.
Iago: Ooh, being well prepared reminds me of my birdie Cub Scout troop on Tom Sawyer Island. Aunt Polly was Den Mother, 'cause she said she wanted to make sure we were all well prepared. Boy, she really liked those campfires....
Zazu: <gag, choke> Er, Iago, perhaps I'm not well prepared after all. Now that I think about it, I don't want to Be Prepared, either. Let's just forget the whole idea. I'll just lock the Tiki Room door and we can watch the "Star Wars" videos again.
Iago: Oh, don't be such a chicken.
Zazu: Please don't call me that. Aunt Polly might be lurking in the shadows.
Iago: All the more reason to get out of the Magic Kingdom.
Zazu: Good point. Let's put on these Darth Vader masks and sneak out of here.
Zazu: My, this AT-AT spitting water at the guests is really very impressive.
Iago: Oh, sure, you think that's impressive, but when my pal Gaston and I rode the Skyway and spat on the guests, you thought it was terrible. Sheesh!
Zazu: Well, Iago, this is supposed to be an Imperial All Terrain Armored Transport that spits laser fire. As such, the spitting effect is quite appropriate.
Iago: Wow, you really did study up on this stuff.
Zazu: I certainly did.
Iago: So, they have Star Tours in Disneyland too, right?
Zazu: Absolutely. The Disneyland version was the original, opening on 9 January 1987, in the former location of Adventure Thru Inner Space. In fact, the Mighty Microscope from Inner Space can be seen in the maintenance hangar at the beginning of our flight. Here in Florida, Star Tours inaugurated the Back Lot Annex section of the Disney-MGM Studios on 15 December 1989. It opened at Tokyo Disneyland on 12 July 1989, and in Discoveryland at Disneyland Paris on 12 April 1992.
Iago: Well, let's go inside and you can discover what our preshow area is like.
Zazu: By all means.
C-3PO: What do you mean, you are doing all the work? You ungrateful little twit! I've just about had enough of you. Why, you wouldn't even have this job if it wasn't for me.
R2D2: 00101110 11101101 11100000
C-3PO: No, you wouldn't, so you might just show a little gratitude.
R2D2: 01111011 11100001 10100000
Iago: Hey, I think these guys stole some of our material.
C-3PO: Sometimes R2, I can't understand your logic at all.
R2D2: 00110001 00101101 10001000
C-3PO: No, not at all.
Zazu: Good heavens, you're right. They're droid versions of us!
Iago: Yeah, I can see the resemblance between you and C-3PO. You're both stiffs with British accents.
Zazu: Well, you're short, and strange sounds come out of your body, so I suppose we're even.
Iago: Are these the real 3PO and R2?
Zazu: No, but the ones in the Disneyland preshow are actual props used in the films.
Iago: So tell me, now that you're such a big expert on this stuff, what did you think of "Phantom Menace"? Isn't that Queen Armadillo hot?
Zazu: Her name is Amidala, and yes, she is lovely. But speaking of getting names wrong, Star Tours was originally going to be named Star Rides. This caused a bit of an uproar from those who had spent years promotong the use of the word "attraction," however, so Imagineer and lead designer Tom Fitzgerald proposed the current name.
Iago: Tom Fitzgerald? Isn't he the guy in Horizons who looked like Luke Skywalker?
Zazu: Iago, with those haircuts, every male in Horizons looked like Luke Skywalker.
Iago: Hey, there's somebody who could use a haircut. It's Chewbacca, out mingling with the guests.
Chewbacca: AhhhhwwwwwrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Zazu: Oh dear. Translated from Wookie-speak, that means "You all look like dorks with those fanny packs."
Iago: <sniffle> Gee, he reminds me so much of my dear, departed, favorite uncle.
Zazu: Your uncle was a hairy, eight-foot-tall alien with a bad attitude?
Iago: No, my uncle was a scrawny green parrot. But his nickname was Chewy.
Zazu: Don't tell me his real name was Chewbacca!
Iago: No, his real name was Murray. But Aunt Polly says he was chewy.
Zazu: I'm going to be ill.
Iago: Nah, this ride isn't nearly as sickening as Body Wars.
Chewbacca: Awrrwwwhhhheeeeee!
Iago: What'd he say? What'd he say?
Zazu: I've no idea. That's the way the Wookie mumbles.
Female announcer: Departing Endor passenger, Sacul, Mr. Egroeg Sacul, please see the Star Tours agent at gate number 3. Mr. Morrow, Mr. Tom Morrow, please check with a Star Tours agent at gate number 4.
Iago: Gee, that Tom Morrow guy must have a lot of frequent flyer miles. He's always traveling somewhere. I heard him being paged on the Tomorrowland Transit Authority.
Zazu: Well, he's got quite a long commute. Just last year, he was put on assignment at Innoventions in Disneyland. And did you know that "Egroeg Sacul" is "George Lucas" spelled backwards? How very clever!
Iago: How come you didn't think it was clever when I got Queen Abracadabra's name wrong?
Zazu: Amidala!
Iago: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Cast Member: How many?
Zazu: Two, please.
Cast Member: Row Number 5.
Zazu: Oh, this is so exciting. Did you know that there are six StarSpeeders here in the Disney Studios?
Iago: Well, I'm here now, so that makes six StarSpeeders and one Star Speedo.
Zazu: Now that you bring it up, why are you wearing that atrocity here?
Iago: It's a handy place to keep my lightsabre. I've got that big red one with the --
Zazu: Stop it! I don't want to feel nauseous until I'm actually on the ride. Getting back to this mode of transportation, each StarSpeeder holds forty guests.
Iago: I held forty guests once. They were Brazilian girls in a tour group. But Security threw me out before I got to forty-one.
Zazu: Why don't you shut up and watch the safety video, before you get thrown out again?
Female Video Announcer: At this time, I'd like to take a moment to review our boarding process with you. When the automatic doors have opened, please proceed directly across the ramp, into the cabin...
Iago: You know, this announcer chick's not bad-looking, but what's with that lopsided hairdo? I think she went to Queen Armageddon's hairdresser.
Zazu: The Queen's name is AMIDALA!!
Iago: Are you sure?
Zazu: Of course I'm sure. "Armageddon" was a film with Bruce Willis.
Iago: Ohhhhhh ... that explains "The Making of Armageddon" then. Wow, I thought that was something completely different. Guess I'll cancel that screening I arranged for Bambi's stag party.
Zazu: <gasp!> Iago, you didn't actually think that Disney would --
Iago: Oh look, the doors are opening. Go on, get seated and buckle up.
Rex: Welcome aboard, this is Captain Rex from the cockpit. I know this is probably your first flight ... and it's mine too ... ha, ha.
Iago: You know, every time I ride this, I think his voice sounds familiar.
Zazu: It should. That's Paul Reubens, also known as Pee-Wee Herman.
Iago: That's Pee-Wee?! Cool. I wonder why he never mentioned this role to me.
Zazu: You know him?
Iago: Of course I know him. We're old pals. In fact, I invited him to that stag party. I thought "The Making of Armageddon" would be better than that "Nancy Nurse" flick we went to in 1991. Boy, did that turn into a disaster!
Control Tower: Forty-five, you're going the wrong way! Stop immediately!
Rex: Uh-oh, wrong way. Brakes. Brakes! Where are the brakes? Aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhh!
Zazu: Oh my! This is very exciting. And I do believe I saw the Mighty Microscope back there in that maintenance bay.
Rex: Uhhh - I meant to do that. A little shortcut ... ha ha! R2, light speed to Endor!
Zazu: You know, Iago, these StarSpeeders really do bounce around quite a bit. The six hydraulic pistons that create the simulation have a 16-foot motion! They are said to have six degrees of motion.
Iago: Is that anything like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?
Zazu: No. It refers to up-down, left-right, and forward-back movements, plus pitch, yaw, and roll motions.
Rex: I have a very bad feeling about this! Aaaaaaggggghhhh!
Zazu: Brief periods of zero gravity are experienced -- such as inside this comet -- but only very brief for fear of "protein spills."
Iago: Speaking of bacon and protein, I see Miss Piggy, Pumbaa, and Piglet up in the front row.
Zazu: Pigs in space? How unusual.
Iago: Oh, that reminds me, the Three Little Pigs invited me to their church next Sunday.
Zazu: How nice. I suppose you'll fit right in, being such a ham. Which church do they belong to?
Iago: Our Lady of Fatty Meat. And I need you to come along and translate, because the services are all in Pig Latin.
X-Wing pilot: Star Tours?!? What are you doing here? This is a combat zone, it's restricted! Ease off on your main thrusters.
Rex: Aaagghhhh ... we've been hit! R2, get the stabilizer fixed ... and hurry! We're losing altitude fast!
X-wing pilot: Red 24, Red 30, Follow me.
Rex: OK, I've always wanted to do this -- we're going in!
Zazu: Oh, Iago, this is exactly like the "Star Wars" movies!
Iago: Well, not exactly. We're missing Princess Leia in her gold bikini.
Zazu: True. But it's a relief not to hear that dreadful Jar Jar creature from "Phantom Menace."
Iago: Yeah, but you should check out his sister onstage at the Diamond Horseshoe.
Zazu: Jar Jar's sister performs at the Diamond Horseshoe? <suspiciously> What's her name?
Iago: Can Can. Bwahahahaha!
Rex: We did it!
X-Wing pilot: All ships -- jump to light speed.
Rex: Hang on back there, light speed! ... Braaaaaakes!!!! ... Hey sorry folks, I am sure to be better next time. It was my first flight, and I'm still getting used to my programming!
Iago: So what did you think of your first flight, Zazu?
Zazu: It was positively exhilarating! I feel energized!
Iago: That's just because of all these Energizer Bunny pictures in the exit area. If they were gonna get a bunny for a sponsor, why couldn't it be a Playboy bunny?
Zazu: Did you know that M&M used to sponsor Star Tours? Even before they became M&M-Mars. I suppose they always had an interest in heavenly bodies.
Miss Piggy: Why hello, little birdies. I heard you mention heavenly bodies. You must be talking about moi! What do you think of my gold bikini? <tossing her hair> I wore it especially for this flight to the Endor moon.
Zazu: Oh, er, <gulp> it's uhhhhh ... well, it's ... um, you're quite the attraction, Piggy.
Iago: Yeah, she's an attraction all right. The Flying Sausages.
Miss Piggy: Hiiiiiii-yaaaaaaaa! <karate chop> Hmph! <stomps off>
Zazu: I'm afraid you asked for that pork chop, Iago.
Iago: <groan> Yeah. Good thing I didn't order the pork butt, or I'd be dead. Now let's go buy some cool "Star Wars" stuff.
Zazu: I'm afraid we can't. The gift shop is closed for renovations. I believe the new shop will be themed to Tatooine.
Iago: Sounds good to me. I want Princess Leia on my chest, and Queen Anaconda on my back.
Zazu: I said Tatooine, not tattooing, you twit.
Iago: Who said anything about tattoos?
The music selected to accompany this page is "The Eve of War" from "The War of the Worlds," an opera by Justin Hayward.