Zazu: Well, Iago, <sniff> I'm off to see Snow. <achoo!>
Iago: Snow? With that cold, SNEEZY-WHEEZY, I don't think you should be flying off to a chilly climate just to see snow.
Zazu: I'm not, SILLY. I'm not even leaving the Magic Kingdom. <cough>
Iago: Oh, you mean that fake soapy stuff on Main Street.
Zazu: No, you DIPPY dodo. I'm referring to the real Snow. In Fantasyland. <honk>
Iago: Look, I know you get all SAPPY during the holidays, SNIFFY, but I'm telling you, that snow is fake. Sorry, I'm just trying to be HELPFUL. You don't have to get SNAPPY about it. And you better hurry. That snow won't last long, you know.
Zazu: On the contrary, you PUFFY parrot, Snow is quite well preserved.
Iago: Will you stop with the puffy and fluffy comments! I told you last week, BALDY, I'm follicly enhanced.
Zazu: I'm not talking about your feathers, BIGGY-WIGGY. I'm talking about your weight. <cough>
Iago: Listen, WHEEZY, it's just a couple of holiday pounds. I can't help it if those dwarfs in the hollow tree make good cookies.
Zazu: Elves.
Iago: What?
Zazu: I said elves, DEAFY! Not Dwarfs. The Dwarfs work with Snow.
Iago: The Dwarfs work with snow? I thought it was the Elves who worked with snow. In the North Pole.
Zazu: Snow White, you FLABBY feather-brain!! Snow White! <hack>
Iago: Ohhhhhhhhh, Snow White. Why didn't you say so in the first place? Sheesh, you're so CRANKY. So you're off to see Snow White in Fantasyland?
Zazu: <sigh> Yes.
Iago: Well, be careful going through that forest. Why is it so GLOOMY over there, anyway?
Zazu: It's a dark ride, you DIZZY denizen of the desert! <achoo! cough>
Iago: Gee, better take your coat, GASPY. That cold seems to be getting worse.
Zazu: Did you know that Claude Coats was responsible for the blacklight design of Snow White's Adventures, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Alice in Wonderland, and the other original dark rides in Disneyland? Disneyland became the world's largest blacklight display when it opened, displacing Rock City Gardens near Chattanooga, where Walt's signature in their guest book from 1953 is still proudly displayed. <sniff>
Iago: Rock City? Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know! "See Rock City" was written on the side of the first bird house I ever rented. It was kind of DUMPY, but it felt like home.
Zazu: That slogan was originally painted on barns throughout the Southeast U.S. countryside like giant billboards. <cough>
Iago: NIFTY. But I can't believe you're giving me a lecture when you're so sick, STUFFY. You want I should treat you with some Vapo-Rub? My Aunt Polly always used to rub that AWFUL-smelling, GOOPY stuff on me when I had a cold. It made me TEARFUL and WEEPY, but it worked pretty good.
Zazu: Considering your DAFFY Aunt Polly's proclivity for cannibalism, it was probably Marinade, not Vapo-Rub. <hack, sneeze>
Iago: I'm gonna ignore that, CHESTY, because I know you're delirious. Why don't you postpone your visit with Snow until another night?
Zazu: I can't! It's customary that all the important male Disney characters get to give Snow a Christmas kiss. Tonight is my night! If I call in sick, it'll throw off the entire schedule.
Iago: A Christmas kiss? Wait a minute. How come I never heard about this tradition?
Zazu: Uhhh ... I said the important male Disney characters, BIGGO-EGO. <sniffle>
Iago: How long has this been going on?
Zazu: I think it started back in Christmas of 1994. That's when Snow first appeared live and in person in the attraction here in the Magic Kingdom. Well, actually, she's dead and in person, but that's another story. <drip> Why don't I just go ahead and tell you all about the attraction history?
Iago: Howzabout you don't, but I'll tell everyone you did?
Zazu: Let's see ... Snow White's Adventures opened 17 July 1955 at Disneyland. On 25 May 1983, the attraction was re-opened as Snow White's Scary Adventures, as part of a whole Fantasyland rebuild. By the way, Imagineer Tony Baxter was so afraid of screwing it all up that he required all the rebuilt dark rides be 25% longer, so that he could say they were longer, even if they weren't better. <wheeze>
Iago: Hmmmm. Sounds like he's kind of NEURTSY.
Zazu: Do you even know what "neurtsy" means?
Iago: No. It just popped into my head. It sounds funny, whatever it means. Can't I use it?
Zazu: Whatever makes you HOPPY. Anyway, Snow White opened 1 October 1971 in Walt Disney World, and this version of the attraction frightened a lot of preschoolers. Around the end of 1994, a kinder, gentler Snow White attraction was unveiled, which was aimed at reducing these complaints. <achoo!> Finally, Snow had an actual presence in the story. Snow White's Adventures opened 15 April 1983 at Tokyo Disneyland; and 12 April 1992 at Disneyland Paris, where the attraction is called Blanche-Neige et les Sept Nains.
Iago: How can you pronounce that so well when you have a cold?
Zazu: Probably because French is such a beautiful, GRACEFUL language that it overcomes even bronchitis. <hack!> Just thinking about it makes me feel WISTFUL, SOULFUL, and DOLEFUL for Paris.
Iago: Doleful? Yeah, I know what you mean. I felt pretty Dole-full myself after a visit to Aloha Isle this afternoon. <belch!> Anyway, it's obvious that you can't kiss Snow with your cold. No sense spreading those DIRTY germs to the lovely lady. So the only logical solution is for me to go in your place. That way, the schedule won't be thrown off, and I'll finally get to plant a big wet one on a Disney Princess.
Zazu: Oh my God! It's supposed to be a kiss, not a HICKEY! <gag! choke!> You'll be all over her like a HUNGRY Pooh Bear on hunny, you BURPY bird. <honk!>
Iago: Heh. Well, she's always wishing that her Prince will come someday. So here I am! I'm HOTSY-Totsy and ready for a Christmas dip in the Hot Tub. That Snow will melt in my hands!
Zazu: No. You're GABBY-BLABBY and TUBBY, and Snow will probably turn to ice in your hands and fall into a catatonic state from which she'll never wake up. <cough> The poor thing will look like that marble figurine in Disneyland.
Iago: What marble figurine in Disneyland?
Zazu: The statue in Snow White's Grotto (which opened on 27 March 1961). Marble figures from Italy were anonymously donated to Disneyland <sniff> and just to piss off Imagineer John Hench, Snow White is as short as the Dwarfs. The scale is all wrong. So they had to place her statue very carefully in relation to the Dwarfs so guests wouldn't notice the discrepancy. You know how good the Imagineers and Animators are with that kind of thing, SHORTY. That's why they always have you sitting on somebody's shoulder. So nobody will notice how short you are. <drip> And the grotto has a wishing well which plays "I'm Wishing" continuously. Tokyo Disneyland has a copy of the original grotto, and they didn't even want to correct Snow's height. So her figure is exactly the same size as the one in Disneyland. <achoo!>
Iago: Yeah, well, the Japanese like to miniaturize everything: TVs, fax machines, telephones --
Zazu: Oh my God! You're not thinking of ever going to Tokyo Disneyland, are you, STRUTTY?
Iago: I dunno, CRABBY. Maybe I'll take Snow there on our Honeymoon. If I can get a good deal, that is. You know how THRIFTY I am.
Zazu: No, I don't. I know how SHIFTY you are, though. Not to mention cheap!
Iago: I am not cheap. Stop being so SCRAPPY. It's only one kiss that you'll be missing. No BIGGY. So anyway, I never really paid much attention to the transportation over in that neck o' the woods. How do I find my way to Snow?
Zazu: You just board one of the JAUNTY six-passenger ride vehicles named for the Dwarfs, capable of handling about twelve hundred guests every hour. <achoo!>
Iago: Oh yeah, that's right. The Magnificent Seven. Does that mean I'll need seven bribes for seven brothers to get to the front of the line? Hahahaha. Sometimes I really kill myself, Zazu.
Zazu: I'm wishing....
Iago: What are their names again? Dopey, Bashful, Happy ...
Zazu: <achoo!>
Iago: ... Doc, Sleepy, Grumpy ...
Zazu: <achoo!>
Iago: ... and ... ummmm ...
Zazu: <achoo!>
Iago: What was that last one's name again?
Zazu: Sneezy, you WOEFUL excuse for a shuttlecock!
Iago: Oh, right. Sneezy. Man, I thought you had a weird name. How did they come up with those names?
Zazu: Trust me, those aren't so bad. You should have heard the other ones that Disney seriously considered.
Iago: Like what?
Zazu: <pause> If you haven't figured that out by now, Sherlock, don't expect me to underline them for you now.
Iago: I'm just not as SNOOPY as you, Mr. BUSYbody. I don't go sticking my beak into encyclopedias looking for answers.
Zazu: No, you're too LAZY for that. <hack!>
Iago: Look, it's getting late, and I'm getting a little JUMPY. I have to get over there before Snow turns into a pumpkin or something.
Zazu: You're thinking of Cinderella.
Iago: Whatever. I wanna make a good impression on her. What kind of gift can I bring her that will make her more receptive to my charms?
Zazu: A very strong hallucinogen?
Iago: No, something unique that I've never tried before.
Zazu: Well ... a fruit basket is always appreciated. <cough>
Iago: Ya think?
Zazu: Yes. Definitely. She likes apples the best. Big, shiny red ones. <honk>
Iago: Big, shiny red apples. Right. Where can I find something like that at this late notice?
Zazu: There's a little old lady that sells them right inside the attraction. <hack!>
Iago: Cool! What's she look like, and how do I find her?
Zazu: She's wearing black. And she'll find you! <drool> Don't forget to ask for a sample first.
Iago: Great! Hope you feel better. Don't wait up for me! <wink, wink, nudge, nudge>
Zazu: I won't. <grin> I'm feeling better already.
The music selected to accompany this page is "Let it Snow" by Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne.