Iago: Hey Zazu, I figured out a way to minimize these nasty blisters I keep getting while touring the Magic Kingdom.
Zazu: You mean something other than the traditional moleskin bandages?
Iago: Yeah. I can't get those anymore since the Toad crew got kicked out of Fantasyland. It was a pain chasing after that mole guy in that crazy car, anyway. My new idea is much better.
Zazu: What species is threatened now?
Iago: Only those dopey tourists. There are too many of them anyhow. A little crowd control couldn't hurt.
Zazu: Iago, what on earth are you referring to?
Iago: The Skyway, Dr. Scholl! Whenever I need to get from Fantasyland to Tomorrowland, or vice-versa, I just take the Skyway and save myself a walk.
Zazu: Iago, has it occurred to you that you're a bird? You could fly between the two lands.
Iago: Why flap my wings and get all sweaty? Besides, it's much easier to take aim from a comfy seat on the skyway.
Zazu: <nervously> Take aim? Oh no. You can't mean --
Iago: Yup. Do you remember awhile back, there was a thread on alt.disney.disneyland asking which character you would like to take on which attraction, and why?
Zazu: Yes. I noticed no one picked you to take anywhere.
Iago: That's because they were afraid of being mobbed by paparazzi. Anyway, I chose Gaston to go on the Skyway with me. Can you guess why?
Zazu: <sigh> To help you beat up the tourists ahead of you in line?
Iago: Well, no, but that was a nice extra perk. I chose Gaston because "He's especially good at expectorating. Ptooey! Ten points for Gaston!"
Zazu: Iago, please tell me you haven't been spitting on tourists from the Skyway.
Iago: Of course not.
Zazu: Thank goodness.
Iago: Gaston does all the spitting. I'm in charge of the five dozen eggs that he usually has for breakfast every morning. When we go on the Skyway, he just eats five dozen bowls of oatmeal instead. Have you ever seen what comes up after eating five doz --
Zazu: NO! And please don't describe it. I can't believe the two of you are up there spitting and throwing eggs. You could get thrown out of the park!
Iago: Think about it, Zazu. Would you have the nerve to throw Gaston out of the park? He's roughly the size of a barge.
Zazu: Errrrr ... I see your point. But, speaking from a purely scientific standpoint, if it's accuracy you're after, you should ride with Dumbo. Think of the aim he could get with that long barrel. And you would have an easy escape if the Skyway got stuck.
Iago: Yeah, but speaking of stuck, what about the weight limit? It's 700 pounds per bucket. I mean, Gaston is big, but Dumbo is -- well -- an elephant, for cryin' out loud!
Zazu: Iago, while adult male elephants can weigh up to 6 tons, Dumbo is just a little tyke. The average calf weighs a mere 250 pounds at birth. I think Dumbo would just make the weight limit. And even if he didn't, he could always hover over the seat.
Iago: Zazu, I think you're actually starting to enjoy the thought of this prank.
Zazu: <flustered> No, of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?
Iago: You have a little bit of drool hanging off the end of your beak.
Zazu: <wiping his beak> Don't be ridiculous. I was merely salivating at the thought of a Skyway lecture.
Iago: Oy!
Zazu: For starters, you would have to raid the only remaining Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for moleskin if you were in Disneyland. They no longer have a Skyway.
Iagu: Too many spitters?
Zazu: No. It had to do with costs and efficiencies and Paul Pressler not getting that promotion we were all hoping for. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.
Iago: Knowing you, that would be the beginning of recorded history.
Zazu: No, that would be 21 June 1956, when Disneyland's Skyway opened with 44 round steel buckets -- excuse me, "cabins" is the official term. The 2400 foot cable and drive mechanism were built by the Von Roll Co. of Berne, Switzerland.
Iago: Did Van Halen build the round buckets, too?
Zazu: That's Von Roll! And no, the cabins were made locally.
Iago: I guess those Von Trapps really know how to scale heights. Maybe I could get them to build me a mini-Skyway to my Swiss Family Treehouse penthouse. You think they'd throw in a cuckoo clock and some chocolates?
Zazu: No, Iago, Von Roll is no longer in the business of making aerial tramways.
Iago: I'm not surprised. Probably not too many mermaids can afford them. Plus, even their best ideas would be all wet! Can't run a business that way. Better they should go climb a mountain singing do-re-mi.
Zazu: Speaking of mountain-climbing, the Matterhorn was added to the Disneylandscape in 1959, in the direct path of the Skyway. Where previously there had been a steel support tower, now there was a whole mountain.
Iago: Did anyone survive the crash?
Zazu: There was no crash, Iago. Those clever Disney imagineers arranged things so that the Skyway went right through the mountain.
Iago: Let me get this straight. Disneyland's version of the Matterhorn had holes in it? Like Swiss cheese?
Zazu: As a matter of fact, yes, only less tasty.
Iago: <imitating Timon> Talk about your fixer-uppers!
Zazu: Actually, it worked out beautifully. And in 1965, as part of the "Tencentennial" celebration, the round cabins were replaced with rectangular ones. Finally, on 9 November 1994, Disneyland's Skyway closed, after carrying an estimated 150 million guests.
Iago: That's a lotta shoe leather saved.
Zazu: Indeed. Here in Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom, the Skyway opened with the park on 1 October 1971. And Tokyo Disneyland had their Skyway from 15 April 1983 until 3 November 1998.
Iago: That's a long way from Switzerland. Why do you think Skyways are so popular with the tourists?
Zazu: Perhaps they enjoy the bird's-eye view that we take for granted.
Iago: Oh yeah, like those rooftops in Fantasyland are so attractive. Yeeeeech!
Zazu: True, the rooftops are nothing to look at. But I think the humans enjoy the view of the surrounding area and the sensation of being up high in the open-air cabins. Sometimes it's nice to experience things from a new perspective. On the other hand, some humans seem to have an aversion to heights, and blanch at the thought of being suspended in air. However, in the Disneyland Skyway's 38-year history, only one guest ever fell from one of the cabins. He was fortunate enough to land in a tree at the Alice in Wonderland attraction, and survive the fall.
Iago: That's why they call it Wonderland, I guess. Seems to me that Alice survived a pretty long fall there herself. Speaking of Alice, I've been thinking about going to Disneyland Paris to see Alice's Curious Labyrinth. But I'm curious why Disneyland Paris has never had a Skyway.
Zazu: Don't concern yourself, Iago. The French will be able to look down on you quite well without a Skyway.
The music selected to accompany this page is "Off We Go, Into the Wild Blue Yonder" by Robert Crawford.