Iago: Morning, Zazu!
Zazu: Good morning, Iago. I just received an interesting email. It reads: "Be at the Viking ship in the Norway Pavilion at Epcot at noon today." It's signed: "The Trio." I think it must be from Donald's nephews. I suppose Huey, Dewey, and Louie want to explore the ship, and learn a bit about Vikings from yours truly. Ah, it's so refreshing to see young birds express an interest in scholarly pursuits.
Iago: What a coincidence! I got the exact same message.
Zazu: There goes my theory about scholarly pursuits. What can those three ducklings possibly want with you?
Iago: I don't think the message is from them. I think it's from the Three Caballeros. They're probably a little worried about this whole El Rio del Tiempo rehab situation, and they want advice from us, since we have our own attraction.
Zazu: Hmmmmm. That's possible, I suppose. But why would they want to meet us at the Norway Pavilion?
Iago: HELLO!! Have you seen the Norwegian girls who work there?
Zazu: Er, good point. But should we go without knowing for sure who sent the message? I've tried to e-mail this "Trio," but it's an invalid address. There are all kinds of troublemakers on the internet, you know. Of course, it could be completely innocent. Perhaps "The Trio" is Victor, Hugo, and Laverne. Or Toulouse, Berlioz, and Marie.
Iago: Hey, this isn't France. We're talking Norway here. I say we should just go for the halibut. Bwahahahaha!
Zazu: Very funny. I see you've been hanging around with Fozzie Bear again. Well, I suppose since the meeting will be in a public place, in broad daylight, it will be safe enough. Let's go then.
Iago: Great! And speaking of broads in daylight, I hear that they sometimes have lap dancers performing there. <nudge, nudge>
Zazu: That would be Lapp dancers. L-A-P-P. Lapp. From Lapland. More accurately known as the Sami people. The only time they dance on anyone's lap is when Santa drops by and spends a bundle on new reindeer. And, just for the record, no, there are no Lapp dancers performing there today. We shall undoubtedly hear some traditional Norwegian folk music, though.
Zazu: Iago, I don't see any sign of the Three Caballeros or Donald's three nephews. I don't even see any stray kittens or goofy gargoyles.
Iago: Ooooh, I just thought of something! Maybe the message was from the Three Stooges! I sent them a fan letter awhile back.
Zazu: Don't be absurd. Why would the Three Stooges send me an email? The Three Tenors, possibly, but not the --
Iago: Hey, what's all the ruckus over there? Those two old birds are fighting over something. Gee, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that one of them looks like --
Iago & Zazu together: <GASP!> MY MOTHER!!!!
Iago: What do you mean, your mother? That's my mother!
Zazu: There are two of them, you twit, and one of them is most definitely my mother. What on earth is she doing here?
Zazu's Mother: Listen, Florence Nightingale, if I wanna smoke, I'll smoke!
Iago's Mother: <cough! cough!> You, madame, are a Blue-Footed Booby. Or perhaps I should call you an Ovenbird, since you're smoking like a chimney! <cough!> And stop blowing those smoke rings around my beak!
Zazu's Mother: If you don't like it, Pollyanna, then move along!
Iago's Mother: You -- you -- Banana Beak!
Zazu's Mother: That's Mrs. Banana Beak to you!
Iago's Mother: Why don't you go peddle your Fruit Loops someplace else?
Zazu's Mother: Shouldn't you be looking for a pirate to poop on? This is a Viking ship.
Zazu: Ladies, ladies, please! Mother, what are you doing here? <cough!>
Zazu's Mother: There you are, Zazzy! I'm here to see you. I got a message and a plane ticket from some travel agent representing "The Trio." Said I was supposed to meet you here for Mother's Day.
Iago's Mother: Why, I received the very same message. How are you, Iago dear?
Iago: I'm fine, Ma. Could you stop wiping the schmutz off my beak, please?
Iago's Mother: I just hate to see you looking untidy, son. I'm so grateful that Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather sent me that plane ticket. It's obvious that you need looking-after.
Iago: What makes you think the three fairies sent you the ticket?
Iago's Mother: Well, it was from "The Trio." Who else could it be?
Zazu's Mother: I don't care if it was from the Three Little Pigs. I'm here to have a good time. Hey, Zazzy, I hear they serve a good Norwegian Ringnes beer in that restaurant over there. Whaddya say we have lunch? I'm thirsty.
Zazu: Er, yes, Mother, of course. But you'll have to put out that cigarette. <cough!> All the Disney restaurants are non-smoking.
Zazu's Mother: No problem, hon.
Iago's Mother: OUCH!!!!
Zazu: Did you know, Mother, that Restaurant Akershus is modelled after a medieval stone fortress in Oslo that was built by King Hakon V circa 1300? Unlike the original, however, Disney's version is made of fiberglass. The original Akershus castle still stands, and the chapel is still used for royal events. The castle was used by the Nazis as a prison during the Second World War, and is now the home of Norway's Resistance Museum.
Zazu's Mother: You don't say. Hey, that creamed herring looks good.
Iago's Mother: Why, Zazu, that's so interesting. I do hope you'll tell us more. Iago, get your elbows off the table.
Server: Good afternoon. My name is Odd, and I'll be your server.
Iago: That's okay. You can tell us your name. We won't laugh. <snicker>
Server: My name is Odd.
Iago: Yeah, so you said, but how bad can it be? I mean, his name is Zazu, and you don't see us laughing, do you? <snort!>
Iago's Mother: No, dear, you don't understand. "Odd" is his name.
Zazu's Mother: Woo-eeey! I don't care how strange his name is; he is one fine-looking Viking. Hey, where's he going? I didn't get to order my beer. And I wasn't finished ogling him.
Zazu: <ahem!> You know, this is a delightful time to visit the Norway Pavilion. May is a very special month in Norway. The country's most important holiday, Constitution Day, is on 17 May. And the Midnight Sun days, during which the sun never drops below the horizon, begin on 13 May and last until 29 July. And to top it off, this Pavilion just celebrated its 11th birthday on 6 May of this year.
Zazu's Mother: Speaking of celebrating, if the tall blonde guy with the funny name comes back, tell him I want a beer. And his phone number. I'm gonna hit the buffet.
Iago: Me too!
Iago's Mother: Perhaps we should get our food too, and you can tell me a little about these unique Norwegian dishes, Zazu.
Zazu: I'd be happy to. Here we have laks, which is salmon, either grilled or smoked; torsk, which is cod; pickled herring; creamed herring; herring salad; mashed rutabagas; head cheese ... oh, and what a shame you're not visiting during the Christmas season. The lutefisk is not to be missed. That's dried cod smoked in lye.
Iago's Mother: Oh my! Smoked in lye? Do you think if we tried that on Iago, he might actually get clean?
Iago's Mother & Zazu: Hahahahahaha!
Iago: What are those two laughing about?
Zazu's Mother: Who cares? I'm too busy inhaling all this smoked fish. <deep sniff> I may start rolling my own cigarettes in strips of herring.
Zazu: Why don't we vist the stave church? Norway's famous stave churches are among the oldest wooden buildings in the world. Twenty-nine of them survive to this day, some built in the 12th century.
Zazu's Mother: Fine, fine, whatever, just let me light up first.
Iago's Mother: Er, Zazu, perhaps it would be best if we stayed away from wooden structures at the moment, to ensure that they survive until the 21st century.
Zazu: Yes, I quite agree. <whispering> Between the alcohol on her breath, and the cigarette in her mouth, she's a disaster waiting to happen. I'm having traumatic childhood flashbacks. <whimper>
Iago's Mother: There, there, dear.
Iago: I know! Let's ride Maelstrom!
Zazu: Excellent idea! Mother, you'll need to put out the --
Zazu's Mother: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you.
Iago's Mother: OW!!!!
Zazu: Notice the two murals that adorn this queue area. The one on the right is entitled "Milestones in Norwegian Exploration," which is rather amusing, since Norwegians have never measured distance in miles. Currently, they use metric measurements; previously, distance was recorded in leagues. The main mural, on our left, represents modern Norway, and includes a number of Hidden Mickeys.
Iago: Oh yeah! I spotted one as soon as I walked in the room.
Zazu: Let me guess. You're referring to the one on the young woman's bosom.
Iago: Wow ... how did you know that?
Iago's Mother: <sigh> You're just like your father. He was an African Grey, Zazu.
Zazu: Ah, I might have known. African Greys are renowned for being big talkers.
Iago's Mother: Precisely. Ours was a mixed marriage, as I'm an Eclectus Parrot. Iago gets his lovely red feathers from my side of the family. His father had quite a wandering eye. It seemed to run in the family. As a matter of fact, Iago's great-grandfather wandered all the way to Norway in pursuit of a Norwegian Blue with lovely plumage back in 1893, and he befriended a famous Norwegian artist. I believe his name was Bunch, or Hunch ....
Zazu: Edvard Munch, perhaps?
Iago's Mother: Yes, that's the one! Why, Iago's great-grandfather even inspired one of Mr. Munch's most famous paintings.
Iago: Oh yeah. See, Great-Granddad was swimming in an icy fjord, wearing a 19th century version of a fishnet Speedo, and when he came out of the water, that Munch guy was so inspired that he painted a picture.
Zazu: Don't tell me. It was called "The Scream."
Iago's Mother: Goodness, how did you ever guess? <smiles> Iago, here's a tissue. Please wipe your beak, dear. And you have something caught between your teeth.
Zazu: Perhaps Iago's great-grandfather also met Henrik Ibsen.
Iago: Henry Gibson? Oh, I loved him on "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In."
Iago's Mother: Er, no, dear, Henrik Ibsen was a Norwegian playwright. He wrote "The Wild Duck."
Zazu's Mother: Good grief, I need a shot of Wild Turkey after listening to this drivel. When do we get to see the horny Viking men?
Zazu: <ahem!> Here comes our Viking longboat now. While these boats are similar to those used in It's a Small World and El Rio del Tiempo, the dragon heads give them a distinctive appearance, and they have some additional attachments to accommodate reverse operation.
Narrator: You are not ze first to pass ziss vay, and nor shall you be ze last.
Zazu: We are now travelling through a tenth century Viking village.
Iago's Mother: This is quite interesting. By the way, Zazu, what exactly is the Maelstrom?
Zazu: The Lofoten Maelstrom, or Moskstraumen as local Norwegians call it, is a famous whirlpool in the Arctic Ocean off the northwestern coast of Norway, my dear lady. The word can also refer to any whirlpool or turbulent force. Perhaps you've read Poe's short story, "Descent Into the Maelstrom."
Zazu's Mother: Oh please, don't go bringing up that Edgar Allan Poe character! Your father talked about him constantly. At first, it wasn't so bad. In fact, I kinda liked it when he made me dress up like a raven.
Zazu: <choke, sob>
Zazu's Mother: But anyway, I got pregnant with you -- thanks to that sexy black raven get-up -- right after he read some story called "The Cask of Amontillado," and he got the crazy notion to wall me up inside our nest and feed me through a teeny little hole. I didn't get out of the house for weeks!
Zazu: Mother, all hornbill males follow that procedure to protect their mate and their young. Now, please, let's get back to the attraction.
Zazu's Mother: The attraction? I don't remember what the attraction was. But your father had really big feet, and I always thought --
Zazu: Mother, please!
Iago's Mother: <sigh> Such a harsh but beautiful country! And such a courageous people.
Zazu: Yes, the Norwegians are a hardy lot. Their seafaring ancestors were even willing to brave the dreaded Kraken.
Iago: The Vikings rode roller coasters?
Zazu: No, I'm talking about the legendary and ferocious sea monster -- most likely a giant squid -- for which Sea World's future roller coaster is named. The legend of Kraken dates back to the twelfth century.
Iago: Hey, here comes my favorite Norwegian legend. The three-headed troll!
Zazu: Known in some circles as the Megatroll.
Iago: I wonder if each of the heads has a name.
Zazu's Mother: Ugly, Uglier, and Ugliest?
Iago's Mother: Snap, Crackle, and Pop?
Zazu: Aramis, Athos, and Porthos?
Iago: Paul, Ron, and Marc?
Zazu and both Mothers: WHO????
Troll: Back! Back! Over the falls you go!
Iago: Hey Zazu, the Troll is holding up a sign. What's it say?
Zazu: It says: "Happy Mother's Day from The Trio."
Iago's Mother: So that's who sent us the tickets! Well, wasn't that nice? I'll have to bake him -- er, them -- some Troll House -- I mean Toll House --cookies. Sit up straight, Iago. You're slouching.
Iago: <glumly> Thanks a bunch, Troll.
Zazu: Cheer up, Iago. We are now travelling backwards past the polar bears on the Geiranger Fjord.
Iago: Gee, I would've expected the polar bears to pounce on the occasional Fjord Explorer, and maybe even the big Fjord Expedition, but I feel sorry for the poor little Fjord Ranger. He's only doing his job. I hope he's Fjord Tough.
Zazu: Ah, The Trio have decided to spare us from plunging backwards down the waterfall. What a shame that Iago couldn't have spared us from those tired automobile puns.
Iago: Speaking of shame, spare tires, and automobile jokes, I think this drop into the North Sea is more exciting than Test Track.
<SPLASH!>
Zazu's Mother: Look at the size of that oil rig! ... I wonder if those those big, handsome, rugged Norwegian oil rig workers are lonely.
Zazu: <sob>
Iago's Mother: Zazu, this seems very odd, but I could have sworn I saw a shining castle back there, just as we started going backwards.
Zazu: You have an excellent eye! Now if only we could determine how Snow White ended up in Norway. <wink>
Zazu's Mother: I'll tell you how! She got blind drunk on German white wine and that Prince guy took her across the international border into Denmark, and from there it was just a hop, skip, and a jump across the water.... Oh, wait. That was me. Never mind.
Iago's Mother: Um, er, well, isn't this a delightful little hamlet we've arrived at after that nasty voyage!
Zazu: Yes, a charming Norwegian fishing village. Note that the advertisers in the square are also sponsors of the pavilion: Royal Viking Line, Norway Foods, Frionor, Den Norske Creditbank, Seimer-Sande, Scandinavian Air, etc. Our final stop will be a five-minute film presentation about Norway.
Iago: This film is only 5 minutes long?? Are you sure?? I could've sworn it was longer.
Zazu: I'm quite sure.
Iago: Gee, I remember a boat, and lots of ice, and the ocean, and some babe named Rose --
Zazu: That was "Titanic," you ninny!
Iago: Oh yeah.
Film Voiceover: To know this land's heart and soul... to discover its spirit. Norway ... Norway. It was born in challenge... in a thousand years of challenging the sea. It's a spirit that knows a quiet sense of timelessness. Our spirit lives in daring. It lives in our traditions. Our spirit lives in our people. Our spirit lives in our people.
Zazu's Mother & Iago: Zzzzzz....
Iago's Mother: Oh my, that was just so lovely. I want to visit Norway now.
Zazu: <whispering> Perhaps you would enjoy a smoke-free, alcohol-free tour of World Showcase then? Why don't we leave these two to enjoy their nap, while we stroll through the pavilions in peace.
Iago's Mother: <whispering> I think that's a splendid idea, my boy. Just lead the way.
<30 seconds later>
Zazu's Mother: <opening one eye> Pssst! Iago! They're gone. Let's get started on that Drinking Around the World Showcase Tour thingy.
Iago: You betcha! And, like I said, if you let me watch the bellydancer, I'll show you where the half-naked Aztec men are.
The music selected to accompany this page is “Norwegian Wood” by the Beatles.