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Attraction of the WeekKilimanjaro Safarisor, The Schmoes* of KilimanjaroMusic for Safaris: |
Zazu: <whispering> Iago. Psst! Wake up.
Iago: <murmuring> ... not my fault, Mommy ... too much soda pop....
Zazu: Iago!
Iago: Huh? Who's there?
Zazu: It's Zazu. I need to ask you a favor.
Iago: Oh, it's YOU! You have some nerve asking me a favor, after that blind date you sent me on last night. Very clever the way you set me up for a romantic night with a mermaid, and who shows up at the Polynesian Resort dock but Ursula the Sea Witch!
Zazu: Oh yes, I almost forgot. How did that go?
Iago: Oh, it went swimmingly, Yenta. She even said she wanted to be my main squeeze, which was pretty terrifying, considering those eight parrot-crushers she walks around on. But it really creeped me out when she suggested slithering up to my penthouse to watch Octopussy. I lost my composure after that remark, and then she asked me that question that strikes fear into the heart of every male.
Zazu: Which question is that?
Iago: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Zazu: Good heavens! You didn't actually --
Iago: Let's just say I was lucky to escape with my life, and I won't be swimming for a few years at least. Thanks for making me feel like the World's most pathetic loser, spending my Saturday night with Monstro-Woman.
Zazu: I promise I'll make it up to you. At the moment, I need your help. I have to get over to Animal Kingdom to deliver the Morning Report on Pride Rock, but I've injured my wing and it hurts too much to fly. I need some alternate ground transportation, and I know you have friends in low places.
Iago: How'd you hurt your wing?
Zazu: Er, I'd rather not say.
Iago: Okay. Suit yourself. It's back to dreamland for me.
Zazu: Oh, all right! I got a ... paper cut.
Iago: A paper cut! You can't fly because of a measly paper cut?
Zazu: Well, the paper cut hurt so much that I accidentally tipped over my steaming hot cup of chamomile tea, which ruined my stamp collection, and in my effort to save my butterfly collection, I stepped into a tea puddle, which burned my talon, and caused me to knock over my whole Disney Reverence Shelf onto my wing. And I had just about finished alphabetizing all the volumes!
Iago: Thank you, Zazu.
Zazu: For what?
Iago: I don't feel like the World's most pathetic loser anymore.
Zazu: Never mind the insults. Can you get me to Pride Rock by dawn?
Iago: Yeah, yeah, I know someone who's been looking for a safari guide to help him find some elusive creature. If you can identify the animal for him, he can drive us over there. I'll go call him.
Zazu: Wonderful! I knew I could count on you. And thank you for leaving your nice, warm -- <gasp!> Iago, this bed is WET!!
Iago: That's your fault, Chuck Woolery. My Love Connection turned into a nightmare.
Zazu: Why are we meeting your friend here? My burned talon hurts from walking all the way over here.
Iago: He's been working in the restaurant, consulting with Chef Mickey on new recipes.
Zazu: He's a chef?
Iago: Yeah. Here he comes now!
Zazu: But that's -- that's the Swedish Chef who shot at us during Muppet*Vision 3D!
Iago: Yeah, he's real sorry about mistaking us for those penguins. Now get in the car and be nice.
Car: BORK! BORK! BORK!
Zazu: Oh, how delightful. A Volvo with a horn that goes Bork! Bork! Bork! <rolling his eyes>
Zazu: Good gracious, it's 6:30 already. I don't see how I'll be able to walk to Pride Rock in time for sunrise, with this burn.
Chef: No niid to velk, Zezoo. Ve-a teke-a zee jiip!
Zazu: But we can't take the jeep. That would be stealing! And besides, I just saw a cast member park it here. Surely, he'll be back in just --
Iago: We're only borrowing it. Get in. <shoves Zazu into the jeep>
Chef: Noo zee Chiff veell teke-a yooo ooon a boooncy-boooncy treep! Goombo! <sound of squealing tires>
Zazu: I don't want a bouncy-bouncy trip, thank you very much. And that's "Jambo," not "Gumbo," you Swedish Meathead.
Iago: Yee-ha! These things can really motor, can't they, Zazu?
Zazu: Actually, Iago, the average speed during the safari is 5 miles per hour. The governor keeps the maximum speed at 10 miles per hour.
Iago: Geez, that Ratcliff guy is no fun at all.
Zazu: Not that kind of governor. I'm referring to a mechanical device. These are modified General Motors trucks that hold 32 passengers and run on liquid propane. On a typical day, they might make 28 trips, each of which lasts approximately 19 minutes.
Iago: Well, I'm surprised that Disney doesn't keep them cleaner. They're full of mud splashes already, and they're practically new, right?
Zazu: The attraction has officially been open since 22 April 1998, so yes, they are practically new. But the mud splashes are just part of the clever paint job.
Iago: But this road is full of real mud. Just look at the tire tracks.
Zazu: Also an illusion. That's concrete that was color-matched to the surrounding dirt. Tires were rolled through it while still wet, and twigs, dirt, and stones were added to the mix to simulate a genuine remote African road.
Iago: Speaking of remote, where have you been lately, Chef?
Chef: I ves oooffff erooond zee vorld tryeeng ooooot noo riceepis: Theee Chocolete-a Mooossi, Szichvun Chocolete-a Mooossi, OoOootbeck Chocolete-a Mooossi, zee vhole-a neene-a yerds.
Zazu: I'm afraid you lost me. What?
Iago: He says he was off around the world trying out new recipes: Thai Chocolate Mousse, Szechwan Chocolate Mousse, Outback Chocolate Mousse, the whole nine yards.
Chef: Und noo I'm siercheeng for zee ilooseefe-a Grietir Emezoneeun Tropeecel Moosi. Thet is vhy I niid Zezoo's hilp.
Iago: He says now he needs your help to find the elusive Greater Amazonian Tropical Moose.
Zazu: Well, you're on the wrong continent, Chef. This is the Serengeti Plain in East Africa; not the Amazon rainforest in South America. Perhaps you'd better try the Jungle Cruise or the Sounds of the Rainforest at Conservation Station.
Chef: I don't bileeife-a yooo, leettle-a burdy nirdy! I sey vi're-a goeeng to feend Tropeecel Moose-a hiri.
Iago: <snort!> He just called you a birdy nerdy, Zazu.
Zazu: Yes, so I deciphered. Well, he's going to be disappointed. No moose here. It's a pity we don't have a real safari driver, and we can't hear the poacher storyline.
Iago: Why can't we just turn on the radio to hear it?
Zazu: That's not how it works. There are sensors embedded in the road that trigger the audio. I suppose we're not hearing anything because the attraction hasn't officially opened for the day. But I always find it so exciting to chase the poachers. I imagine the radio noise would disturb the pre-dawn peace and quiet of the savanna, though.
Iago: I think that sack the Chef's been lugging around is disturbing the peace and quiet. Hey Chef, what's in the bag? I hear a lot of stuff rattling around in there.
Chef: Poecheeng sooppleeis.
Iago & Zazu: <gasp!> Poaching supplies!?
Chef: Yis, I'm un ixpirt poechir.
Zazu: <whispering to Iago> This is all your fault! Now the animals are in danger. He's probably toting that big gun that he fired at us at Muppet*Vision 3D.
Iago: <whispering to Zazu> I'm sorry. I had no idea. Let's just try not to get him mad. Good thing he won't find that moose here.
Chef: Eh, look! Bork! Bork! Bork! Moosi?
Zazu: No, those are not moose. They're wildebeest. Otherwise known as gnu, or large antelope. Please don't get in their way. They're the tour group from hell when they're migrating.
Iago: Hey look, Zazu, there's a mutant zebra.
Zazu: No, Iago, that is an okapi. A relative of the giraffe. That one appears to be a female, as she is not displaying the skin-covered horns of the male. Like the giraffe, the okapi has an extremely long tongue. As you can see, she can even use her tongue to groom her ears.
Iago: I wonder if she's single....
Chef: Iego leekis to monkiy erooond?
Iago: You bet Iago likes to monkey around!
Chef: Ve-a hefe-a some-a pritty smert uneemels in zee joongli. Teke-a monkiys, for ixempli. Yooo esk zeem to neme-a ooone-a oooff zeeur rileteefis, und zeey go epi. Und snekis, zeey're-a pritty clifir too. Esk zeem vhet zee 19t littir oooff zee elphebit is und zeey'll sey S-S-S-S-S. Teegirs ere-a knoon for zeeur intilleegeeci, boot yooo cun't troost zeem. Yieh, yooo nifir knoo vhin zeey meeght be-a a lyeen' (leeon). Boot I theenk rheenocirosis ere-a by fer zee smertist uneemel in zee joongli. Joost lest viik, I eskid a rheenociros vhet fooor meenoos fooor is, und he-a seeed noteeng.
Chef & Iago: Bwahahahaha!
Zazu: I know I'll regret this, but what did he say?
Iago: Let's see ... he said, "We have some pretty smart animals in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they're pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can't trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin' (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked a rhinoceros what four minus four is, and he said nothing."
Zazu: My my, he's a regular Doctor Sven Dolittle, isn't he? First he talks to the animals, and then he shoots them. Oh look, Iago, there are some reticulated giraffes crossing our path.
Chef: Stoopeed peeceel nick giiks! Bork! Bork! Bork! Git ooooot oooff zee vey! Bork! Bork! Bork! Hiy, zeeri's no "Bork! Bork! Bork!" horn ooon thees jiip. Meybe-a Zezoo shooold bloo hees nose-a instied. Hehehehehe!
Iago: Not only did he insult the giraffes by calling them pencil neck geeks, but I think he wants you to honk your horn -- er, your beak, Zazu.
Zazu: There will be no Hornbill-honking. The animals have the right-of-way. Aren't these creatures majestic, Iago? They stand 15 feet high and the males can weigh up to 4,200 pounds. They spend an average of 16 to 20 hours a day feeding. They enjoy munching on acacia trees, though most of the acacias on this safari are actually Southern live oaks with buzz cuts.
Iago: They must have eaten all the leaves on that big tree over there. There's nothing left.
Zazu: That's not the fault of the giraffes. That's a baobob tree, otherwise known as an upside down tree. There is a legend that the devil was responsible for uprooting the tree and putting it back upside down. While it does look barren, these trees actually produce a woody, gourdlike fruit. However, I don't think the giraffes would be very interested in eating off that particular tree. It's concrete.
Iago: Concrete? Hey, just like the Swiss Family Treehouse. Except that one has leaves on it. If it didn't have any leaves, Mrs. Robinson would be able to look up and see me changing out of my Spee--
Zazu: <ahem!> Getting back to the giraffes, they can go weeks without drinking water, relying instead on the morning dew, but when they do refresh themselves, they have special valves and tiny veins in their necks to prevent them from blacking out when they lower their heads to drink.
Iago: Boy, I could use that feature on Thursday nights at Pleasure Island!
Chef: Zezoo, look! Bork! Bork! Bork! Moosi?
Zazu: No, no, not moose. Thompson's gazelles. Commonly known as Tommies. Notice that they're only between two and three feet tall, and have slender, long legs.
Iago: <whistling> And those Tommyknockers ain't bad either.
Chef & Iago: Bwahahahahaha!
Zazu: <whispering> How can you be so insensitive, when he's a poacher?
Iago: <whispering> I'm just trying to keep him in a good mood, so he doesn't get trigger-happy.
Elephant: <trumpeting sound>
Chef: Look, Zezoo. Iliphunt iers. Yoommmmmmmm. Hehehehehe!
Zazu: Yes, yes, elephant ears. Yum. Heh. <aside to Iago> Dear Lord, I hope he's talking about the pastry, and not the real thing. I think he's after Big Red now.
Iago: Elephant ears, huh? That reminds me, I haven't had breakfast yet. Whaddya say we head over to the Kusafiri Coffee Shop & Bakery after this, and munch on a bear claw?
Zazu: Iago!
Iago: Oops. Sorry.
Chef: Dois unyone-a hefe-a uny goom? I joost lofe-a to choo Beeg Rid. Hehehehehe!
Zazu: <gulp> Heh. You're quite the comedian, Cheffy. You love to chew Big Red. That's very funny. <whispering> Not!
Chef: Vhet is thet smill? <sneeffff, sneeffff> Moosi?
Zazu: No, that smell would be the warthogs. I guess Pumbaa has already had his morning grub.
Pumbaa: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRP!!
Iago: Yup, that's Pumbaa allright. There he is! <waving> Hunky tuna tostada!
Chef: Hot toona freettete! Bork! Bork! Bork!
Zazu: The proper phrase is "hakuna matata." Hot tuna frittata indeed! Thank goodness we're approaching Pride Rock.
Iago: I hope those lions are awake. I hear they sleep about 20 hours a day.
Zazu: That's correct. You know, I've tried to tell the giraffes that they should coordinate their twenty hour tree-munching schedule with the pride's sleeping schedule, but will they listen to me? No. And then they complain about their high mortality rate.
Iago: Yeah, they're really putting their necks on the line.
Chef & Iago: Bwahahahahaha!
Zazu: How appropriate coming from someone who's dead from the neck up. You can let me out here, Chef. I'm just in time. Look at that beautiful sunrise!
Chef & Iago: <singing "Circle of Life"> From zee dey ve-a erreefe-a ooon thees plunit, und, bleenkeeng, stip into zee soon ...
Zazu: <muttering> Idiots! I'll be right back.
Chef & Iago: <singing> Zeeri's more-a to sie-a thun cun ifir be-a siee, more-a to do tun cun ifir be-a doni. Zeere-a is fer too mooch to teke-a in hiri, more-a to feend tun cun ifir be-a fooond. Boot zee soon rolleeng heegh throoogh zee sepphure-a sky kiips griet und smell ooon zee eedliss rooond. It's zee curcle-a oooff leeffe-a --
Zazu: Well, I never! Harumph!
Iago: How come you're back so soon? Slow news day?
Zazu: Apparently, the lions decided to take a little vacation, and they forgot to cancel the news. What a wasted trip.
Iago: Where'd they go?
Zazu: Oh, some place called Adventure Island or something. They scrawled me a note. I can't imagine why they would want to leave their nice climate-controlled rock to join thousands of sweaty tourists at a theme park, but that's their business, I suppose. Apparently, little Kiara wanted to ride some roller coasters. Oh, and this is very odd. They left a note for you, Chef. Here.
Chef: <opening the note> Ehe! Zee Grietir Emezoneeun Tropeecel Moosi! I knoo I vooold feend it hiri.
Zazu: Let me see that. <reading aloud> "To make Greater Amazonian Tropical Mousse, start with one poached pear...." Good heavens! When you said you were an expert poacher, were you talking about cooking?
Chef: OoOff cooorsi! Bork! Bork! Bork! Poechid iggs, poechid selmon, poechid pier --
Iago: Ha! Zazu thought you were --
Zazu: <cough> Never mind, Iago. Let's get this jeep back before anyone notices it's missing.
Iago: Hey, the attraction must be open already. There's the guy with the gun to tell us they caught the poachers and Little Red is okay. Gee, there's lots of guys with guns today.
Zazu: Yes, and they're all wearing local law enforcement uniforms. I told you we shouldn't have borrowed this jeep. Something tells me we're in hot water, Iago.
Iago: That would make us a poached pair.
Chef & Iago: Bwahahahahaha!
Police Officer: Halt! Put your hands up! You with the big white hat -- what's in the sack?
Chef: Poecheeng sooppleeis.
Police Officer: Poaching supplies!? Let me see that. <grabs the sack> What the heck is this? A big pot, a spoon, bottled water, a hibachi, one dozen eggs, a salmon, one pear, and something that looks suspiciously like powdered sugar.... This is all the evidence I need. Read 'em their rights, Billy Bob. We'll charge 'em with grand theft auto and attempting to kill wild animals with bad Swedish cooking.
The music selected to accompany this page is "Surfin' Safari" by the Beach Boys, as sequenced by Robert Dupler.
"Schmoe" is a Yiddish word meaning "fool," in the same category as schmuck, schnook, klutz, shlemiel, shlemazl, shlump, shmendrik, shmigege, nebbish, yold....
Many thanks to the Swedish Chef (aka Christian Weigert), for his humor and his Mock Swedish translations.