SCENE I: Saturday, January 9, 1999. Early morning. Backstage at the Tiki Room....
Iago: G'morning, Zazu! It sure was nice of you to offer to make me breakfast this morning.
Zazu: <sigh....>
Iago: Hey, I didn't know this was gonna be formal. Why are you dressed in black? Don't tell me the Penguins from the Muppet*Vision 3D orchestra are coming, too! Why does every occasion have to be a black tie affair with them, anyway?
Zazu: <sigh> No, Iago, it will just be you and me. What would you like?
Iago: How 'bout the usual? A nice onion-garlic-jalapeno-Limburger cheese-pepperoni omelette. With a big glass of fresh-squeezed O.J. on the side.
Zazu: <sigh> Certainly ... <sniffle, sob>
Iago: Zazu? Are you okay?
Zazu: Yes <blubber> I'm just fine. <weep>
Iago: No you're not. You're crying!
Zazu: <snuffle> It's just that I'm peeling this -- Waaaaa!
Iago: Hey, listen, you can forget about the onion. Really. I'll just have extra garlic instead.
Zazu: No, no, it's not the onion. It's this -- <sob> -- ORANGE! Waaaaa!
Iago: The orange? I don't get it.
Zazu: Don't you understand? I'm mourning the death of the future!
Iago: <gasp!> Zazu, I'm SHOCKED! ... Um, Adolf Hitler liked oranges?
Zazu: Wha --? No, you historical halfwit! Not the Fuhrer! The future!
Iago: Ohhhhh ... well, that's a relief. But I still don't know what you're talking about.
Zazu: I'm referring to Horizons at Epcot. The scent of this orange reminded me of it. Don't you realize that today is the last day it will be open? They're closing it down.
Iago: Not another one! Sheesh, they're dropping like flies. I know I've ridden Horizons before, but I can't remember all the details.
Zazu: Well, perhaps we'd better get our tailfeathers over there and ride it one last time. Let's go.
Iago: You mean I have to go Back to the Future?
Zazu: Er, I wouldn't phrase it quite that way, but basically ... yes.
Iago: What about my omelette?
Zazu: Why do you think so many flies have been dropping around you? Here, have a granola bar.
SCENE II: Future World, Epcot
Zazu: Come along, Iago. You're dawdling.
Iago: Oooooh, look at all the fast cars over there. Hey Zazu, do you think we have time to --
Zazu: NO!!!!
Iago: Okay, okay, I'm coming.
Zazu: Ah, here we are at last. Horizons. Opened on 1 October 1983, exactly one year after Epcot's official opening day. So many memories. Did you know that there were two previous working names for Horizons? The first was Century 3, referring to the third century of the United States' existence. The second name was Futureprobe.
Iago: <shudder> For some reason, that makes me think of rubber gloves and Dr. Ima Sticker.
Zazu: A very good thing they settled on Horizons then. Come along, Iago. Into our Omnimover vehicle.
Iago: Hey, how come we're facing sideways?
Zazu: These four-passenger, side-mounted cabins are a unique application of the Omnimover concept that was first developed for the Adventure Thru Inner Space. Each one weighs 3,000 pounds. In the event of an emergency, the rear panel can be removed and guests can be evacuated along a pedestrian sidewalk that follows the entire track.
Iago: Emergency?! What kind of emer --
Zazu: Never you mind. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. In fact, I have a little challenge for you. Let's see if you can pick out concepts from the other pavilions in Future World. Horizons seems to have every one of them. And there are some references to other Disney attractions as well.
Iago: Okay. Hey, this guy with the chicken looks familiar.
Zazu: Very good, Iago. Where have you seen him before?
Iago: I think he's Aunt Polly's poultry supplier.
Zazu: Don't be absurd. Forget the chicken. Where have you seen the human before?
Iago: Well, um, he's got a dog. He's not the cemetery caretaker at the Haunted Mansion, is he?
Zazu: No, you time-travelling twit. It's Jules Verne!
Iago: Oh, right. The guy from Timekeeper.
Zazu: Precisely.
Iago: Didn't he write Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea?
Zazu: Excellent, Iago!
Iago: Boy, what an IMAGINATION!
Zazu: There you go. You found one.
Iago: One what?
Zazu: Never mind. Keep looking. We're passing the retro-future. In other words, the future as seen from the eyes of those living in the past.
Iago: Isn't that the theme of the New Tomorrowland?
Zazu: You're doing very well, Iago. I think that granola bar did wonders for you. Here, have another.
Iago: What the heck is this? Oh man, no way would I let some robot cut my feathers. What is it with futuristic barbers and hairdressers? Did you ever check out that dame in the beauty shop on the Tomorrowland Transit Authority? Talk about a bad hair day!
Zazu: I rather like these quirky depictions of the future myself.
Iago: Well now, if there's babes in the future, I'm all for it! Check out the chicky taking a bubble bath. Oooh, this must be the WONDERS OF LIFE reference, right?
Zazu: Not exactly what I had in mind, but hormones do come into play in Cranium Command, so you're not too far off the mark.
Iago: Hey, wait a minute. What's that song on the TV? "There's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow." That's from the Carousel of Progress. The reason I know is, I had to fill in for that parrot in the Granny scene one day, and I heard that song over and over and over.
Zazu: Yes, and even when that other theme song was playing in Carousel of Progress, "There's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow" was still playing over here in Horizons. And speaking of Carousel of Progress, you'll get a hint of Horizons' original sponsor when you hear the portion of dialogue that goes, "We really can bring our dreams to life." Can you guess the sponsor?
Iago: Um, Pamela Anderson?
Zazu: No, of course not! It was sponsored by General Electric until 30 September 1993. Pamela Anderson indeed!
Iago: Well, she really brings my dreams to life. Have you seen her latest video? What a pair of --
Zazu: SCREENS!!!!
Iago: What?
Zazu: Just take a look at these screens. This is the Omnisphere theater. They are the largest screens of their type, and this is the only spherical theater anywhere. The combined screen size is 240 feet wide by 80 feet high. The projection technology is from the same company who designed the Imax projection system.
Iago: You're right. That's quite a pair.
Zazu: This film of the shuttle launch is so good, NASA asked for a copy. And how about that DNA chain sequence. Now what does that remind you of?
Iago: I know this one! The WONDERS OF LIFE pavilion.
Zazu: You know, you really should add more fiber to your diet. It seems to be working wonders.
Iago: Holy smokes, Zazu! The Carousel of Progress family has made it to the 21st century!
Zazu: Glad you noticed.
Iago: How old are these people, anyway? How could they possibly live that long?
Zazu: Fiber, or at least fiberglass. Here. Have another granola bar.
Iago: And jeez, that dog must be like -- like -- seven hundred years old in dog years.
Zazu: It's the fiber in those dog biscuits.
Iago: Hey, I like that synthesizer thingy. It reminds me of the Image Works.
Zazu: The proper name for it is the Aeolean Harp.
Iago: And they live in a pretty cool place, it looks like.
Zazu: That's Nova Cite. And please note the holographic telephone. Can you think of any Future World attraction that focuses on communication?
Iago: SPACESHIP EARTH?
Zazu: Keep this up, and your reputation will be completely ruined. Look, the daughter works in a desert farming community called Mesa Verde. The imagineers came up with some very interesting futurisic plants for Mesa Verde. Like Pepcumbers and Flavor Grapes and Pinanas. Does the term "hydroponics" ring a bell?
Iago: No, but those granola bars are making me thirsty. For some reason, I crave a glass of orange juice.
Zazu: That would be the Smellitizer.
Iago: I thought I was the Smellitizer.
Zazu: This is a good Smellitizer. Like the one that sends the freshly-baked cookie smell out onto Main Street. This one sends the smell of "loranges," which are a cross between limes and oranges. You can understand why I was so affected earlier this morning while peeling that orange.
Iago: Zazu, you keep talking about food. And look, there's a birthday cake! I'm getting really hungry. Food rocks!
Zazu: There you go!
Iago: Where I go?
Zazu: To THE LAND.
Iago: Huh?
Zazu: Never mind. I'm keeping score for you. Check out the videophone.
Iago: Hey, isn't that --
Zazu: No, it's just the haircut and the boyish good looks that make you think that. Actually, that's Tom Fitzgerald, one of the Horizons Imagineers. The character's name is, appropriately enough, Tom II. Mr. Fitzgerald later went on to become Vice-President of Theme Park Productions.
Iago: I guess the Force was with him.
Zazu: Behold our next futuristic community: Sea Castle.
Iago: Ooooh, are Ariel and her sisters home? And more importantly, is King Triton not at home?
Zazu: No, I'm afraid it's not that Sea Castle. This one is a floating city. See the youngsters getting aqualung lessons?
Iago: I took "Aqualung" lessons once. But I couldn't hit the high notes. <snort!> Hey look, a restaurant! I bet it's called Ariel's. Why does that sound familiar?
Zazu: Get your mind off the mermaids. What Future World pavilion does this remind you of?
Iago: If I get the right answer, can I have another granola bar?
Zazu: If you must.
Iago: THE LIVING SEAS. Cough it up, Fiber Man.
Zazu: Here you go. You know, kelp makes a nice high protein snack. And guess what? According to our Sea Castle friends, it's also a low-cost fuel.
Iago: Hmmmmm. So it's both food and fuel. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Eat Here and Get Gas."
Zazu: And where else can we learn about gas in Future World?
Iago: Please don't tell me it's Pasta Piazza. I could really go for a pizza.
Zazu: Let me rephrase that. At this Future World pavilion, one can learn more about fossil fuels and alternative sources of energy.
Iago: What is THE UNIVERSE OF ENERGY?
Zazu: Correct. You've won a year's supply of granola bars.
Iago: Zazu, I think I'm starting to feel the effects of all that grain. Things seem to be bloating -- er, I mean floating.
Zazu: That's because we've entered Brava Centauri, a huge floating space colony. Note the space-age gym, with the virtual-reality exercises.
Iago: Yeah. Really INNOvative inVENTIONS there. I don't feel so good, Zazu. And why have we stopped moving?
Announcer: Attention Horizons passengers. Our travels will be briefly delayed. Please remain seated. Your vehicle will begin moving again at any moment. Please remain seated. We will resume our journey shortly. Thank you.
Zazu: I'm sure it's just a temporary glitch. We'll be moving along in just a moment.
Iago: I hate to tell you this, but something else is gonna be moving along in just a moment. Why did you give me all those granola bars? Get me out that emergency exit so I can get to a restroom.
Zazu: Don't be absurd. Didn't you hear the announcement? Remain seated.
Iago: I think this thing is broken. Let's go.
Zazu: It is not broken. Trust me, this happens all the time.
Iago: It breaks down all the time? Oh yeah. I just thought of the last pavilion in Future World. TEST TRACK.
Zazu: Excellent! I was going to wait until the end to discuss the World of Motion and transportation of the future, but you brought it up first.
Iago: Do'nt say, "brought it up." Please. I'm having stomach cramps now.
Announcer: Please remain seated. Your vehicle will begin moving immediately. Remain seated please. Your journey is resuming now.
Zazu: Oh look. We're moving again.
Iago: Thank God. Suddenly, that birthday cake doesn't look so good. Wait, what's this? The dashboard is lighting up. Now we're having engine trouble!
Zazu: No, Iago, we get to choose our flight path: Desert, Undersea, or Space.
Iago: Well, there's no way I'm gonna land in the desert! I was buried under the sand in that stupid lamp with Jafar for too long to ever want to see the desert again. I still have sand in my Speedo. Not to mention other places. I say we go back to that ocean castle thingy. I'm still not convinced that there weren't mermaids there. Besides, I'm pretty sure that restaurant has to have a bathroom.
Zazu: I don't care for the desert either. It reminds me of Scar's reign, when the savanna dried up and withered away, and we were parched and without food. I almost became food. No, definitely not the desert. I say we head into space. I want to learn more about those crystals grown in zero gravity.
Iago: Listen, chicken of the sea, I say we're going to the ocean!
Zazu: Since I'm travelling with a space cadet, I say we go into orbit.
Iago: Ocean!
Zazu: Space!
Iago: <presses the Undersea button>
Zazu: <presses the Space button>
Iago: Hey, this thing has a mind of its own! It's taking us to the desert!
Zazu: Blast! The last thing I want is to be stranded in the desert with you. I suppose I should be grateful that we're not stuck in a lamp.
Iago: I suppose I should be grateful that we've landed in the world's biggest sandbox, because I really gotta go!
Zazu: You wouldn't!
Iago: I already have. I dreamt it, and I did it.
The music chosen to accompany this page is "We Built This City" by Dennis Lambert, Martin Page, Bernard Taupin, and Peter Wolf.