Zazu: Well, Iago, are you all set to go trick-or-treating?
Iago: Yeah, I guess so. But this Tiki god costume itches. <scratching himself>
Zazu: Don't blame the costume for your parasites ... you parasite. Now let's get going.
Iago: OK. Where to first?
Zazu: Where else? The Haunted Mansion.
Iago: Are you NUTS?!? That place is really haunted. I just found out that Stephen King gets all his story ideas from visiting there.
Zazu: Don't be ridiculous.
Iago: It's true! Ya know that baying hell hound you like so much?
Zazu: Yes....
Iago: Cujo.
Zazu: Oh, don't be absurd.
Iago: Yup. And by the way, I think I was right about the Cycle of the Werewolf. He does howl every 20 seconds.
Zazu: That's because it's a recording on a 20 second loop, Iago. You're just getting carried away with the Halloween spirit. I tell you what. Why don't we visit the Haunted Mansion together, and you tell me what frightens you, and I'll explain it.
Iago: <reluctantly> Allright. I am a Tiki god, after all. Those spirits wouldn't dare mess with me. I'll bring my Talisman just in case, though.
Zazu: That's not a talisman. It's a plastic glow necklace.
Iago: Oh shut up.
<The pair arrives at the Haunted Mansion gates and takes The Long Walk to the door.>
Zazu: Ah, you see, Iago? Here is the cemetery with the funny headstones we discussed last week.
Iago: You mean Salem's Lot? Yeah, real nice piece o' property. I hear it's not in a residential zone or a commercial zone.
Zazu: Where is it then?
Iago: The Dead Zone! <snort>
Zazu: No, that's the area above your neck. Let's knock.
Iago: Don't use The Tommyknockers! Use the bell.
Zazu: There is no bell. <knock, knock, knock>
<The door mysteriously opens by itself.>
Iago: <nervously> Uhhh ... Zazu, where's The Skeleton Crew? Aren't they working the Night Shift?
Zazu: I'm sure it's just a special effect. We'll have to enter the stretch room by ourselves, I suppose.
Iago: No kidding! I despise that room. It's a Creepshow.
Zazu: Never fear. Our Ghost Host will guide us through using the voice of Paul Frees. Is that good enough for you?
Iago: More like it's Badenov for me. I really hate looking up into The Dark Tower.
Zazu: Actually, Iago, that would be The Dark Tower II. Disneyland's Haunted Mansion is the original. Ours here at Walt Disney World is a sequel.
Iago: And Tokyo Disneyland?
Zazu: Dark Tower III, naturally. And by the way, it's located in Fantasyland in that park.
Iago: The Haunted Mansion in Fantasyland? Sounds like that land must be a mixture of Nightmares And Dreamscapes, if you ask me. What about Disneyland Paris?
Zazu: Dark Tower IV, also known as Phantom Manor.
<The stretch room show ensues, causing much screaming by the faux Tiki god and much covering-of-ears by his associate.>
Zazu: Did you know that between the two Haunted Mansions in the U.S., in one the floor goes down, and the other the ceiling goes up? Do you know which is which?
Iago: I don't care! Lemme outta here! Where's the chicken exit? I mean, parrot exit?
Zazu: Nonsense. It's time for us to take a ride in our Doom Buggy.
Iago: Doom Buggy??!! Where do you think Stephen King got the idea for Christine? It's a killer car, I tell ya!
Zazu: Actually, it's not a car at all. It's one of Imagineering's clever Omnimover systems, identical to the one in Adventure Thru Inner Space, just painted black. Terribly efficient, you know.
Iago: I still don't like it. And why is this sidewalk moving?!
Zazu: I assure you, it's not because of ghostly hands. Or feet. Now get into your Doom Buggy, and our Ghost Host will lower the bar.
Iago: <closing his eyes> Oooooooh, I don't like this part.
Zazu: Open those beady little eyes of yours. These special effects are fantastic.
Iago: Eeeeeeek! Look at those Cat's Eyes on the wall!
Zazu: Those aren't really cats' eyes. They're --
Iago: Cat's eyes, bats' eyes, Eyes of the Dragon, whatever! I don't like them looking at me.
Zazu: I'm sure it's no treat for them, either.
Iago: Hey, look at that hallway! Maybe that's the way outta here! <starts to get up>
Strange Voice: Remain seated with your wings inside the vehicle at all times, please.
Iago: Who was that?
Zazu: There are cast members monitoring the ride. Nothing supernatural about it.
Iago: Can we put this thing into Maximum Overdrive and get the heck outta here, please?
Zazu: Calm yourself, Iago.
Iago: Why does that sound familiar?
Zazu: Shhhhh! Ah, the ghostly piano player. One of my favorite effects. Surprisingly simple the way his shadow is projected on the floor, don't you think?
Iago: Zazu, I'm gonna have Insomnia for a week, and it's all your fault!
Zazu: Oh, stop complaining. You sound like you're in Misery, for Heaven's sake.
Iago: Heaven? This is more like Hell.
Zazu: We approach Madame Leota. A mysterious woman of Dark Visions.
Iago: Oh my God!! Why is her head inside the crystal ball? And why are those instruments flying around the room? They look like Nightmares in the Sky.
Zazu: Ah yes, one of Eleanor Audley's spookier speaking roles, even for a woman who voiced Lady Tremaine and Maleficent. As for the face, the head in the globe has no facial markings at all. They're projected onto it in sync with the audio.
Iago: Wow, not only did they stick her head in a globe, they wiped out her face. No wonder she hasn't been seen on the game shows lately!
Zazu: Iago, Eleanor Audley passed away back in 1991.
Iago: It took her twenty years to die from being decapitated? Now there's a lady with staying power!
Zazu: No, no, Iago. Let me try this again. The voice belongs to Eleanor Audley, but the face is that of Leota Toombs, who worked at Walt Disney Imagineering.
Iago: So Eleanor and Leota did one of those Travolta / Cage deals, like in "Face-Off"?
Zazu: Er... no. There's a head in the globe, but Leota's face is projected onto it, and Eleanor's voice comes out of it. Wait a minute. Now I'm confused.
Iago: Why don't they just call her Madame Frankenstein? A face from this one, a voice from that one ... maybe they could get Christie Brinkley's body.
Zazu: In your dreams, fly-boy.
Iago: Hey, wait a minute. What's this? Looks like a party. Maybe this ride isn't so bad after -- aaagh! Those are ghosts dancing down there!
Zazu: <smiling> Yes, they're waltzing.
Iago: Looks more like the Danse Macabre to me. Explain that, Mr. Smarty Beak.
Zazu: Certainly, it's called Pepper's Ghost.
Iago: I don't care who owns them, I wanna know how they do that!
Zazu: <sigh> Pepper's Ghost is an old magician's trick developed for the Haunted Mansion by Yale Gracey -- of whom we spoke last week. There's a large panel of glass between us and the ballroom, the dancing ghosts are above and below us, carefully lit, and it's their reflections in the glass we see. If you look carefully, you'll see they're dancing backwards, as the imagineers forgot to reverse the figures.
Iago: So, these aren't really ghosts, they're just reflections of ghosts? Oh that helps a whole lot! What about the ones in the chandeliers, or the skulls coming out of the organ?
Zazu: The chandelier-hangers are above our Doom Buggy, and the skulls are mounted on a large rotating drum. You can't see the drum because it and everything else the imagineers didn't want us to see is painted black.
Iago: I still don't believe you. And did you see The Gunslingers on the wall? I thought our arguments were bad. At least we don't shoot each other.
Zazu: The night is young.
Iago: Yeah, well I hope they were using Silver Bullets. Maybe they'll miss each other and take out that stupid werewolf. I'm sick of listening to him. What the heck is this coming up? Oh, great! A graveyard. Look at that caretaker shaking. And that dog! If he were any Thinner, he'd be nothing but a Bag of Bones. Come to think of it, he looks like he could use a few bones.
Zazu: What a coincidence. "Bones" is the dog's name. Now be still and listen to the song, Iago. "Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize...."
Iago: Those -- those -- heads are singing! And one of them has been knocked off The Stand, but he's still singing. They have to be genuine ghosts.
Zazu: Ah yes, Singing Busts, accompanied by The Phantom Five! Like Madame Leota, these busts are without faces, and sing with the help of projectors. Originally film projectors, they are being converted to video like so much else in this modern world. Contrary to popular belief, the singers are not The Mellowmen, but a pickup group. The only voice of the Mellowmen heard is Thurl Ravenscroft's lovely bass -- in his second most memorable role.
Iago: If this is his second most memorable, I'd hate to hear his first!
Zazu: You probably have. He's also the voice of Tony the Tiger.
Iago: Oh, that's great.
Zazu: No, that's "GRRRRRRREAT!"
Iago: Well I don't feel very great right now. I think I'm gonna toss my crackers. Are we almost done?
Zazu: Almost. Look up ahead.
Iago: At The Drawing of the Three ghosts?
Zazu: That's not a drawing. Watch what happens.
Iago: Uh-oh. Zazu, we've got company in here!!
Zazu: Just another effect. You see, those mirrors in front of us are only half-silvered. Behind them is a set of figures on a moving belt which is geared so as to move them along with us as the imagineers' way of bidding us farewell.
Iago: I suppose you're gonna tell me the cute little chick talking about death certificates is just an effect, too.
Zazu: Now you're getting it.
Iago: It figures. The only halfway decent broad in the place, and she's not real.
Zazu: Well, Iago, do you understand now that these apparently supernatural phenomena are actually just extremely clever special effects? And that Stephen King is happily ensconced up in New England, having his delusions without the benefit of Walt Disney World's Imagineers?
Iago: <stops dead in his tracks> You almost had me convinced, Zazu. Until now.
Zazu: What ever are you talking about?
Iago: <Pointing with a shaking claw> Explain that.
Zazu: <horrified> IT's -- IT's -- IT's a --
Iago & Zazu together: Pet Sematary!!!!!!!
The music selected to accompany this page is "What's This?" from the film The Nightmare Before Christmas.
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